A Joy Filled Home

By Nicole VanGelder

Willing to Say No

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Saying NoMy husband is not afraid to say no, and I am so thankful. Early in our family life, we were greatly impacted by a couple of families who lived this way, too—willing to say no to even “good” opportunities because it wasn’t what was best for them. I’m so thankful for their example! Because of it, I have realized how important it is to be thoughtful about our time. Rather than committing to something quickly, we take the time to consider if this is in the best interest of our overall family life. 

This takes courage because, for whatever reason, there can be so much pressure & fear associated with saying no. “Everyone else is doing it.” “What if this is my only opportunity?” “Others will be so disappointed.” Etc.

But, there are a couple of things that can help with this process:

  1. Faith.  Saying no actually requires a great deal of faith because you are trusting that the sacrifice will be worth it. You are making a decision right now for a future that you can’t yet fully see. You are trusting that living according to values will bring about good results in the long term. It often means trusting the Lord to make your way for you at the proper time, too—instead of forcing your own way or saying yes at the wrong time or to the wrong thing, out of fear that no other opportunities will come. 
  1. Clear Priorities. A lot of the time even “good” opportunities require a no. The reason for this is that we all have limited capacity & time. If we say yes to everything, we sacrifice our best for anything because we simply won’t have capacity. We will also end up wasting our time. I’ve heard it said that wise people “invest” their time, rather than spend it & I agree! This means that you recognize that your time is limited & valuable & so you don’t just use it on anything. Instead, you invest it into the people & things that are most important. I find that often when I feel like I have the least time, it is the most important to actually stop & take some time to reexamine my life, reminding myself of the values & goals that are most important. When I do this, it becomes clear what adjustments I need to make to once again be using my time well. 
  1. Flexibility. Seasons change. Circumstances change. What is a yes in one season easily becomes a no in another, and vice versa. And, this is okay! Good even. It’s a sign of growth. But, it’s important to be thoughtful in every season about the way you are spending your time. Don’t assume that something you committed to in the past is still the best fit now. Likewise, it may be that now is the time to say yes to something that you didn’t previously have the capacity for. Which, leads me to my next point…
  1. Courage to say YES. Saying a real yes can take just as much courage as saying no! I think one reason why it is so easy to let our lives be filled with distraction, letting those “urgent” tasks take over our days, is because it is actually scary to say yes. Saying yes to a person or an opportunity, stepping out to take a risk—this requires courage because it might fail. We might fail. Or, at the very least, we may be incredibly uncomfortable as we step into opportunities that require growth & vulnerability. The good news is that I’ve found that when I do this, even if I fail, the failure is never wasted. I learn. I grow. Something happens in the process that makes me see that the process was the point anyway, not the end result. The Lord is masterful at taking our journey & using it to shape us into the people He created us to be! (And, who we are is much more important than where we are!)

Learning to say no with ease & yes with courage will bring great freedom into your life. It is something I am still working on! But, I’m so thankful for those that have helped me to understand how important it is to do so. I am also thankful that God’s grace is with me in the process! Even though I won’t get it perfectly right all of the time, I can trust Him to guide & help me in this process. You can too! 

Giving Children Roots // Tell Your Stories!

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When I was in sixth grade, we had an assignment to research our heritage. We were charged with the task of finding out where our ancestors had come from & report back, ready to share our newfound knowledge with the class. So, I went home and dutifully asked my parents the assigned questions. Some of what was shared included information I already knew: my maternal grandmother was Finnish & grandfather was German. But, I learned some new information about my dad’s side of the family. Part of that heritage came from a place called Croatia. This seemed very exotic to me, so I happily went to school ready to share. The problem arose when my teacher didn’t believe that Croatia was a real place. It was quite disappointing to sit through the celebration of the other students’ heritage, while mine was dismissed—or worse, apparently nonexistent.* Years later I would see a picture of Croatia and be stunned by its beauty—and climate. And, even though it may be a little silly, when I saw that picture it felt like a small piece of me made more sense. I thought, “Oh! That is why I am so drawn to places like that!”

Now, I don’t know how much my ancestral heritage has actually impacted me. My family has never especially celebrated or connected with our “roots” in that way. Sometimes I’ve wished that we did.  I’ve sometimes found myself jealous of those I know who seem to have such a strong sense of, and connection to, their culture & heritage. But, the truth of the matter is I do have a rich heritage. I come from a family that has its own traditions and habits. These things shaped my upbringing and shaped me. In fact, I have an amazing heritage! For example, among other things, my dad gave me the gift of sarcasm & my mom the gift of “letters”. (The ability to create letters from construction paper for a bulletin board or other similar things. Don’t ask. 😂) Perhaps more importantly, they have also given me the rich heritage of a family that sticks together. I have always known—throughout my entire life—the stability & security of a family that is committed to one another. I know I could call my parents with any type of need & they would do their best to help. And, not just my parents, but my extended family too. While I took this for granted in my younger days, I now realize it is a precious gift and many never experienced a heritage like this.

What is exciting to me about this is that now, as a parent, I get to create a connection between my children and their heritage. And even more, I get to create what kind of heritage their roots are connected to. I get to help create the traditions and habits of our home and family. I get to give my kids the security and stability that comes from being connected to a heritage that is bigger than themselves. One important way I do this is by passing on my stories. 

I tell my kids lots of stories. Memories from my life before they were around. Bits & pieces from our extended family heritage. Stories of them when they were younger. This may seem trivial, but the more children I have, the more I realize just how important this practice is. These stories aren’t merely entertainment. They are a practical way for me to create a sense of security in my children. The stories actually help them to know they aren’t on their own. Instead, they are connected to a community of people, a history, a culture. But, I don’t mean just mean the culture of other lands. I hardly mean that at all. Instead, I mean the culture of their family. This is who we are. Where we came from. What we do. Where we are going. And so on and so forth. 

And here’s some good news: Your story doesn’t have to be pretty or neat. It might be messy and hard. That’s okay! Nobody’s story is perfect. While I don’t share the all the details, and I make sure to stay age appropriate, my kids know that my/our story isn’t perfect either. I’m not afraid of them knowing this! (After all, they live with me. They already know it whether I’ve admitted it or not.) But, they also know the most important thing: that ours is a heritage of mercy, redemption, and love. 

I don’t know what your stories are like. I don’t know if your family tree is one you like to revisit or one that has caused you pain. But, I do know that the heritage you pass on to your kids is the one that you design. Yes, you may come from someplace, but only you can really determine what your story is. Your story may have shaped you, but it doesn’t determine your legacy. You do. And that, my friends, is what you will pass on to your kids—the stories of how you became who you are. In these stories they will also see themselves. This legacy, where you came from along with the reality you are creating for them now, will shape them more than you know. So, dust off the picture books, your box of keepsakes, & your memories themselves and start to tell your stories! You—and your kids—will be so glad you did. 

*My teacher can be at least partially excused. Croatia has a long & somewhat complicated history. At that time, it was a part of Yugoslavia, though it wouldn’t be too long until it would gain its independence again. (You can bet I felt a rather smug “I told you so” when Croatia was splashed across the news during the process of independence, hoping my teacher would see it and remember.) This same teacher also told me that Carmichael, CA wasn’t a real place & I must be confusing it with Carmel. I wasn’t & to this day each time I am in CA & see the exit signs to Carmichael I think of Mr.Xyz (not his real name). As a homeschooling mom, it comforts me to know that public school teachers aren’t perfect either. 😉

The Power of Yes

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True Story: A child walked into our bedroom saying, “Hey! Can I…” trailing off as they looked up and noticed that it was me that they were talking to. They then inquired where their Dad was.

Can you guess why? I’ll give you a hint: It wasn’t because they were trying to plan some happy surprise for me. It was because they were looking for a yes and they knew exactly who they were most likely to get it from. Not me.

I don’t know what it is like in your family, but it isn’t uncommon for there to be one parent that is more likely to say yes—which obviously leaves one parent more likely to say no. Being the no person isn’t actually a bad thing. There are good reasons to say no! Kids need to be told no! (If you’ve ever been around a child that has never been told no, you know how true this is!) However, no one likes to be the one saying no all the time. And, while kids need to be told no, it is also important that they hear yes. Maybe even more often than they hear no.

But, how do you do that? After all, it is dangerous to backflip off the roof of the house onto the trampoline. Ice cream isn’t a good breakfast. And you can’t afford that pony. (Or whatever kinds of ridiculous things your children request.) How do you manage to not allow chaos to rein, but yet still be a “yes” person?

One key to being a “yes person” is to simply be present. Don’t be always trying to do something else. Kids are not efficient! They won’t add to your productivity. Your house will be messier and nosier. But, if done correctly, it will also be more fun and filled with love. Don’t miss the moments. Be present. You’ll be amazed at how doing so will help you to be more patient, more excited about your kids, and less worried about other things.

Tip: Put your phone out of reach and set a period of time to do nothing but engage with your kids. Preferably over a fun—and maybe messy—activity. If you need to, set a timer so you know you won’t miss your next meeting, getting dinner in the over, etc. That way you can fully engage without being distracted by time.

A second key to saying yes is to have well established boundaries. There don’t have to be a lot, but there should be clear and well established rules and rhythms of life in your home. It is okay to break a boundary occasionally—for example: staying up late on a special occasion or leaving the house a mess after a Friday night of family fun, etc.—if it is simply adding a layer of joy to an already peaceful household. However if you don’t have well established boundaries, then adding “extra yeses” will only feel unsafe because they are adding chaos to your home without the security that routine and rules bring. So, it may seem contrary, but to be a yes person, make sure you have well established boundaries within your home first.

Tip: Figure out what two or three rules are the most important for your kids to follow. Work to articulate them in a simple and clear way. Teach them to your children and explain to them what the consequences will be if they are not followed. Then, follow-through! Praise your kids when they do well with them. Gently correct them when they don’t. It’s amazing how clear and consistent rules can help to create stability and safety within a home. (An example: Don’t lie. It’s simple and clear, applies multiple ages, and will both instill good character and protect the relationships within your home.)

Lastly, learn to say these words, “Hmmm…that sounds fun. How about if we….” Even if you become an expert at saying yes, there will still be times you need to say no. A lot of times, probably. Sometimes its okay to just say no. (Maybe even adding a “Don’t be ridiculous!” or “Nice Try.” for an extra flourish.) But, when possible, try saying “What if you did xyz instead?” That gives an option of what they can do. This requires proactivity and ideas on your end. It means that there have to be some options that your kids will actually be excited about that are allowed.

Tip: Plan ahead. Have some craft supplies, games, books, baking supplies, activity ideas, etc. prepared to pull out at the appropriate time as a fun activity. These can be things for your child to do alone, but if they are activities you can join in, that’s even better! Hint: There are a lot of ideas on the internet for free, fun activities to do within your home with kids. So, if you feel stuck, simply start searching and making a list of the best ideas you find!

Being a parent is stressful. It requires a lot. There is no magic word that is going to change that. But, learning to say yes will make it more fun. Not only will your household engage in more fun activities, but you will be amazed at what it does to your relationship with your child, and what it does inside of you. Did you know that you were actually created more for yes than no? From the very beginning of creation, God created a vast world full of beauty and life. To be sure, there were boundaries—there was one giant “No!” in fact. But that wasn’t the focus then and it still isn’t now. Instead, though there are clear boundaries, life with Jesus is abundant and filled with adventure, fullness, and connection! This is what our homes can be like, too: safe, with clear boundaries, and filled with adventure, joy, and loving connection.

The Key to Success

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Our family enjoys playing video games together. Each time we play, I have a lot of fun. However, my game play never seems to improve. I do know why though. It’s because I don’t know what I am doing! Usually my game plan is to simply push as many buttons as possible in random order hoping that the end result is favorable. As you might imagine, this does not usually end favorably for me. I should mention, that my kids have tried to teach me better strategy. However, I don’t play often enough—and I’m not patient enough—to put in the energy required to learn. Although I might try to follow their lead for a little while, by the next time we play, I tend to be right back where I started—with no clear game plan, hoping that if I just do enough, I’ll somehow succeed.

I have been able to live with this strategy when it comes to video games. However, it becomes more of a problem when it becomes a strategy for life. One place where it is especially easy for this to creep into my daily life is in homeschooling. With seven children currently in school and one busy toddler that is currently in everything else, it can be easy to lose sight of my “game plan”. In these times, I find that I end up simply trying to get “everything” done. We go from subject to subject, chore to chore, meal to meal—basically pushing all the buttons randomly, hoping that the end result is success.

The problem is that not only is this not the pathway to success, but in times like this, I lose sight of what success even looks like! And, it is impossible to be successful if you don’t even know what you are aiming at!

The good news is that there is a simple way to fix this problem. The key to being successful at homeschooling (and pretty much all areas of life) is: know your one most important thing. That’s it. Know the most important reason why you homeschool. Then, aim everything in that direction. It’s amazing how doing this helps everything fall into place!

For me, the most important reason that I homeschool is so that my family has engaged, heart-connected, growing, fun relationships with one another. With the busyness of our life and the demands of ministry, etc. this would be much more difficult to accomplish if our children were enrolled in public school. But, homeschooling allows us to structure our lives so that connection remains a top priority. Obviously, this isn’t the only important goal of homeschooling. I also want my kids to receive a solid education! And, I work hard to ensure that this happens. But, I’ve discovered that when our relationships are thriving, our learning tends to thrive, too. I’ve also learned that keeping my heart engaged with each one of my kids doesn’t always automatically happen. It’s easy to go through the motions and get everything done only to realize at the end of the day that my heart wasn’t fully engaged with any of it. I know that I would regret it if I made it to the end of my homeschooling years and didn’t have an authentic, loving, connected family. I believe that these years are foundational for that.

Now, I’m not saying that this should be the most important reason why you homeschool. I don’t know what your most important thing is. But, you should! If you haven’t take the time to consider this before,  here are some questions that can help you to discover your one thing:

  • Why did you start to homeschool in the first place?*
  • What do you most hope to have happen during this time? (In other words: what is your desired outcome?)
  • What would you most regret if it did/did not happen?

(*I recognize that some of you are homeschooling simply because of current circumstance. However, even if that is the case, hopefully you see that the Lord’s hand is in this time. He promises to bring good out of every circumstance. So, rather than see this as something that has been forced upon you, what if you see it as an opportunity? Why do you think you have been given this opportunity? What is this time an opportunity for?)

Once you have answered these questions, you can begin to plan your days with this as a guiding value. It isn’t that you don’t need to fit the other things in. But, you need to do it in a way that honors the most important thing, This will also help you to know if you are succeeding or not! At the end of the day, do you see the fruit of this value in your family? If so—success! And, if not, that’s okay because you can see it. And, once you see it, you can adjust accordingly. Which leads me to one last thing…

Once you know your most important thing, you need to actually make it your most important thing. That is to say, you need your actions to back it up. This will require proactivity and it may be necessary to let go of other things! One example from my life is that my value for connection means that I have to simplify. I have to let go of some of the homeschool side projects that I get ideas for. I am never short of ideas, but I am short of time. When I add too many side projects to my plate—even those that compliment our curriculum—I actually find myself connecting less with my kids because of the stress of trying to accomplish everything. Sometimes this value means that I have to let go of my (very real!) desire for a consistently clean and organized house. Sometimes, on very rare occasions, it means that I actually call off a regularly planned afternoon to go to the zoo or play games together, if I realize that I have been in “go mode” for some time at the cost of our connection.

Knowing my most important thing has been such a lifesaver for me! It has given me clarity and helped to guide and shape our days. Now when I stray from my game plan, it quickly becomes obvious and I can readjust the direction that I’m heading to get back on track.

So, I encourage you—if you don’t know your most important thing, take some time to process. Figure out what it is and let it be a guiding value as you go through out your days.

Perfection Not Required

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It’s okay not to be perfect.  Parents, you need to hear this.  It is okay that you aren’t perfect.  It’s okay that you don’t always know what you are doing, that you make mistakes, that you don’t know all of the answers to all of the questions.

I remember when I first became a mom.  There was so much I didn’t know!  Thankfully, there are a lot of resources out there for first time parents to help them along.  So, I did all that I could to prepare and learn practical tips for life as a mom.  I also had friends and family that I could learn from.  And, I must confess, still I didn’t do everything right.

However, my son was a baby so the pressure to be perfect was small.  Obviously I needed to do the big things—like keeping him alive—well.  But, figuring out a schedule, learning the routines involved with life as a parent and so on and so forth—those I could kind of figure out as I went along without him being ever the wiser.

My son as a baby. Thankfully, he survived my imperfect parenting and is doing well as a tween. :)

My son as a baby. Thankfully, he survived my imperfect parenting and is doing well as a tween. 🙂

Now, though, the stakes are higher.  The kids are older—and there are more of them—so the memories will be stronger, the effects of mistakes perhaps larger.  Thankfully, I tend to learn from my mistakes so most of the mistakes I made when I first became a mom I don’t make anymore.  I’ve learned a thing or two.  I’ve developed some skills.  I’ve grown in understanding and wisdom when it comes to this parenting thing.

Unfortunately, I’ve discovered that there are always new mistakes to make!  And, I’ve come to know that each season of parenting requires a new set of wisdom.  One that is primarily gained through experience.  A strong value system is important because it guides your behavior and shapes your choices.  Growing in character is imperative as a parent because then you respond to circumstances with your child out of who you are rather than the situation around you.  And, it is important to never stop learning from the resources available to you—especially those around you that have done this parenting thing before you did and done it well.

However, it is often going through the experience and having to put it all in action that causes you to grow as a parent.  On the job training, if you will.  Without the training.

So, sometimes it is easy to feel as though you are failing.  Very few parents fail.  And, if you are worried that you are failing, chances are quite high that you are not.  Making mistakes isn’t failing.  It’s okay not to be perfect.  The key to successful parenting isn’t in being perfect.  It’s in being humble.

When you make a mistake, admit it.  Apologize.  Ask forgiveness.  When you don’t know the answer?  Say that and then do what you can to figure it out.  Kids don’t need perfect parents.  Kids need loving parents that are genuinely connected to them.  In fact, it is good for them to know that you don’t have everything figured out.  Why?  Because they don’t have everything figured out themselves.  Having a living example of someone who lives life well, if not perfectly, is important.   Seeing that there is a process when you screw up—taking responsibility for yourself, apologizing, making it right and learning from your mistake (etc.)—is great training for our children to grow up as responsible, healthy, and happy human beings.

Being a parent is a big responsibility.  Beyond that, it is a sacred trust.  A life (or two or three or eight, in my case) has been entrusted to us.  We are the only parents our child(ren) will ever get.  We owe it to them to do it well.  But, perfection?  Not necessary.  Not possible.  So, cut yourself some slack.  Chances are, you’re better at this than you think.

 

Love is Here

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Love is patient, love is kind.  It is not self-seeking.  It does not easily boast.  Now these three—faith, hope and love—remain, but the greatest of these is love.**

Even if you don’t spend a lot of time in the Bible, those words are probably familiar to you. They are poetic and beautiful.  These words are frequently celebrated at weddings, and written in beautiful script on pictures, etc.  The only problem is that sometimes when things are poetic and beautiful, we don’t bother to look beyond the surface of them.

I’ve been pondering these words lately.  And, to be honest, I haven’t always liked them.  I mean, wouldn’t it be easier if love wasn’t unreasonably impatient? If it was kind when that was the natural response to the situation?  Or if it only thought about itself about half the time?  I think I could be a lot better at love if that was the case.

The truth is that love is not easy.  And deciding you’re going to love doesn’t really make it easier. Meditating on these words, has helped me in choosing loving behavior. However, it has also highlighted my failures. This adds to my stress level and, quite frankly, makes it more difficult for me to be patient and kind. Quite a quandary, especially when you’ve decided that the most important thing you can do for your children is raise them in a house of love.

Thankfully, I’ve discovered something. Yes, love has to be intentional. It’s something you have to choose and something that you grow in. But, it is also much easier if you learn one thing:  Be in the moment.  Be fully present in whatever situation you find yourself in. Try to eliminate distractions.  This is not easy! But, the end result is so worth it.

I, like all of you, have a lot going on in my life.  As a result, my life is constant multi-tasking.  And, as a mom, you often can’t get away from that.  Making dinner, doing laundry, helping with homework, referring between children, checking your e-mail—all at the same time.  Sound familiar?  There are simply tasks that need to be done and not enough time to do them. How easy in those moments is it to be patient?  To be kind?  If you are at all like me, those are the moments that you find yourself losing patience.  Being decidedly unloving.  And this is actually good news!

It is good news because it means that it isn’t that I am a terrible person or have some fatal character flaw.  It is just that I’ve been putting an undue amount of pressure on myself.  Perhaps you have also.  (I know this because it is a way of life in America.)  When I stop, take a deep breath, and immerse myself in only what is in front of me—wow.  Life changes!  I change.  I suddenly have the time to really connect with the moment.  To connect with the little one in front of me.

You see, when I am taking the time to look in my daughter’s eyes, I can’t help but be patient and kind.  Because I love her! When I take the time to sit still and look at my husband without thinking through the 75 things I need to do, I stop thinking about myself because I love him!

Raising my kids in a house of love means raising them in a home where I am present.  Not always distracted by my phone or my to do list.  It means things like this: Instead of simply making sure dinner gets made, I engage them in the process with me.  It takes longer, it is messier, and I certainly can’t multi-task, but I have actually spent my time doing that which is most important.

Love is patient.  Love is kind.  Love is here.

**Note: The above is just a few phrases taken out of  1 Corinthians 13.  I highly recommend you make the effort to read through the entire passage and meditate on it and see what fruit results!

Seeing the Gold

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This last week was especially busy around our home with some extra projects at work and at home on top of our regular schedule.  My kids spent many long hours with me at work, and also put in some extra effort at home.  They did great!  I’m really proud of them.

However, I didn’t do quite as well.  There is one reason I say this—I spent more time instructing and correcting than I did encouraging.  With so much to do I was constantly moving from one task to the next, thinking about what was left that needed to be accomplished.  It left me distracted and not fully engaged in what I was doing.  As a result, I was more focused on the what than the who.

Don’t misunderstand, it was a good week.  It wasn’t that I was losing my temper or that there was conflict in our home.  (At least, not more than the usual small conflicts that erupt with six children.)  Also, I do understand that much of my role as a parent is instructing and correcting.  But, did you know that there are different ways to do that?

The way that has proven most fruitful—almost counter intuitively—is by “calling out the gold” in my children.  This way is a lot more fun, but it takes more intentionality and patience.  Let me give you some examples of what I mean:

When your child is struggling with something, say being bossy, instead of simply telling them not to be so bossy and correcting their behavior, you call out the good.  “I can see that you are quite a leader.  You were born that way.  That is really, really good.  We are so blessed to have a leader like you in our family.”

Then you begin to shape the value behind the gold.  For example:  “There are many different ways that people lead.  Some lead by force.  Why do you think they do that?  When might that be necessary?  How do you think the people they lead feel about them?  How do others lead?  What is good about the way they lead?  How did Jesus lead?  How does He lead us? “ And so on.

The idea is that you are correcting behavior, but teaching them a value system to sustain the correct behavior.  You are seeing the potential within them and making sure they know that you see it, too.  This is much more effective (and less painful for your relationship) than simply brining correction.

I was thinking about all of this as I was driving into church on Saturday night.  I was repenting and praying for grace to be released to both me and my children—especially my two oldest who had received the most of my correction.

Later that night, the Lord answered my prayers in a miraculous way!  We had a special guest speaker on Saturday night.  At the end, as she was doing ministry, she prayed over both of my oldest children.  And, she addressed (in a positive way!) a few of the very things I had been correcting.  For example, she told one child how good he/she was with children.  That week I had been correcting harshness with that one in regards to how they speak to their younger sisters.  Do you know what the result has been?  A joy and gentleness in dealing with their younger sisters.  It has been amazing the change.  I’ve been able to continue to speak those encouraging words over them and the fruit has been quite remarkable.

Not only has it called out the “gold” in my children, but it has refocused my eyes.  I have found much delight as I have looked at my family and recognized their greatness.  The unique things about each one of them.  The beautiful way that the Lord hand-crafted each one.  It has brought me so much joy to think that these precious ones are mine—to love and encourage and help blossom.  Wow!  I am blessed, indeed!

The very thing I had recognized on my drive that night happened.  How amazing is that? It has restored a higher level of life and joy—and better behavior—to our home.  On top of that, it was such a gift from the Lord that instead of simply correcting me and bringing shame or condemnation to me, He released grace.  He answered my prayer and brought just what was needed at just the right moment.  He is such a good Father!  He showed me, by His own example, how a loving parent behaves.  I’m so thankful when He looks at me He sees the good and calls me higher.  My home is thankful, too.

What about you?  Are you seeing the gold around you?  (Sometimes it can be a little hidden, so you have to train your eyes to see it.)  If you haven’t been doing this, I encourage you to try it.  You may be surprised by the joy and peace—and behavior—that results.  🙂

 

Rules to Live By

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Life as a wife and mother can be tricky.  There is a lot going on and much of it is uncharted territory.  There is no “on the job training”.  You have to learn as you go.  Sometimes the right answer to particular problem or circumstance seems elusive.

It can be easy to feel like you are in over your head or to second guess how you chose to handle certain situations.  And, nobody gets through without making at least some mistakes.  You can already tell this is going to be a pretty encouraging blog post, huh?  😉

Actually, it is.  Because while the above is all true, I have discovered a “secret” that helps make life go much more smoothly, guides you when you don’t know what to do and prevents you from having regrets.  (It isn’t that you won’t make mistakes, its that they won’t be too costly.)  This “secret” is simple: “Rules to Live By”.

In our day there has been such an emphasis on grace and freedom that the word “rules” may sound dirty to some.  If that is you, don’t worry.  I’m not talking about rules that control and restrict you or your family.  (After all, the absence of rules can be just as restricting and scary as an overabundance of them!)  I’m talking about simple rules that will guide you when you have decisions to make, when life throws you a curve ball, and even in simply planning out your day.

They don’t have to be posted on your walls or even verbally spoken to your spouse or children.  (Although, you may want to do those things too.)  But, they should be consistently remembered and enforced.  They should be what help to set the tone and structure of your home and the relationships in it.

What are these magical rules?  I can’t tell you that.  They are different for each home.  After all, my marriage isn’t going to look like yours.  My kids are not the same as yours.  But, I can give you some examples of rules I live by:

  1. Say “I love you” a lot.  Add “I like you to it” often too.  I think that it is important for my husband and children to know that I love them.  Always.  Good days or bad days.  Those words are spoken a lot around here.  I like adding the “I like you” to it, because sometimes love can feel like an obligation in family, like you can love someone without really liking them.  My family is made up of my favorite people in the world.  Seriously.  I want to make sure they know that.
  2. Be quick to apologize.  The truth is, I am not perfect.  (I know that comes as a shock to those of you that know me.)  I am still growing in the character and likeness of Jesus.  I don’t always act like Him.  So, I make sure that as soon as I realize a mistake–no matter if it is an error in judgement or a “I thought this was the right thing to do and now realize it wasn’t” type of moment, I say sorry.  This doesn’t always feel good, by the way.  But the fruit of it in my home is unmistakable.
  3. Keep “Family Day” family day.  Life is busy and it doesn’t seem to be headed in towards a slow down anytime soon.  That is okay, though, because there are times built in to our life that help to keep the important things important.  While we have things like family meals built into our days, we also have a weekly “family day” that is set aside to connect as a family.  Usually we go and do something together–for example, yesterday we went to Minnehaha Falls and walked around on the trails, pausing to dip our toes into the ridiculously cold water–but sometimes we simply stay home and work on a project together.  But, either way, the point is family connection. We guard these days and rarely allow anything to interfere with them and as a result, they have been a lifeline of connection and relational growth within our family.

Those are some examples of rules that I live by.  They may have struck a chord in you, or they may not sound at all like they are something you need.  That’s okay.  The point isn’t in each marriage or home operating by the same rules.  And, it certainly isn’t in having lists of rules you strive to live by each day.  The point is simply to have some (often unspoken) “rules” that guide behavior and give a structure that helps maintain the value system and atmosphere that you desire in your home.

Rather than restrict, rules like this bring safety and allow life to flourish.  I shared some of my rules.  What rules do you live by?

 

Parenting is a Marathon!

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A few of my daughters love for me to do their hair.  Poor boys–with six ladies in the house, they are quite outnumbered and it is reflected in the way that barrettes and hair ties and nail polish, etc. have taken over our two bathrooms.  It can be quite the production for us all to get ready in the morning!

But, here’s the thing.  A couple of those same daughters that so love for me to do their hair?  They don’t keep their hair done.  Instead, it is done in one moment, and then undone the next.  This may be because their hair just couldn’t keep up with their lifestyle.  But, it is also often simply because they purposely undid whatever it was that they had just asked me to do.

This, my friends, is parenting in a nutshell.  Doing the same thing over and over, while very often seeing whatever it was that you just accomplished being undone right before your eyes. Aghhh!  (If my hair ever looks undone, it may be because I was just banging my head against the wall.)  😉

Do the dishes.  Again.  And then again.  Cook food over and over.  And laundry?  Don’t even get me started!  Those are the things involved what can be the daily monotony of parenting.  Beyond those things, though, are the more “serious” issues like having to teach your child the same lesson over and over and over again.  And teaching values that they seem to understand in one moment and completely violate in the next.

The reason for this is simple:  Parenting is a marathon.  Not a sprint.  (Most of life is like this actually.  It just sometimes can be more easily seen in our homes.)  And that isn’t a bad thing!  But, you have to have the correct mindset or you will grow frustrated by the distance, rather than finding your grove.

Children are “in process”–just as we are.  And, isn’t that a good thing?  Nobody that I know wants their children to grow up overnight.  In fact, most often we feel as though they grow up too fast.  That is why it is important that we don’t waste their youth lamenting their process.  Why we must embrace the journey and enjoy each mile, rather than straining our eyes constantly for the finish line.

Once we do that, we accept the parts of the journey that can be monotonous, because of the joy the rest of the journey contains.  Sometimes I wonder why I am taking the time to do the hair of a little one who is just going to turn around and undo my hard work in mere moments.  Then I realize, “Wow.  I get to do her hair.” and it becomes almost a holy moment, because I know that these days are fleeting.  Soon I will be leaving this leg of the race for the next and the opportunities that this part contains will be behind me.  (Thankfully the next part has “holy moments” all its own!)

Jamey and I were once at a church where the Pastor and his wife did endurance sports–marathons, an iron man and even an ultra-marathon.  This makes perfect sense to me now.  The reason is because they had eight children.  What could be better training for endurance sports than that?

I don’t know that any endurance sports are in the cards for me in the future.  But, I do know that being a mom has strengthened me.  It has trained me to be able to endure in other areas of life.  I am so thankful for that.

Mostly, however, I am thankful that I was chosen as the one who gets to be on this amazing journey with my kids.  It may be grueling at times, but it is so worth it.  It is filled with such joy if I will only choose to see it.  I think I may even hit my stride soon.  Then, watch out!  My hair may be undone, but here I come!  😉

Get in the Picture!

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I was blessed to grow up in a home where there was not a lot of emphasis on weight.  I didn’t realize until later how freeing that was to me.  While weight did become an issue for many of the girls in my High School as I grew older–with a close friend even developing anorexia–it wasn’t really something that ever got a hold on me.  The combination of the freedom in my home and seeing first hand the destructive effects of such an unhealthy obsession on weight and food helped me to avoid some pitfalls that many girls/women fall into.

However, it wasn’t that I didn’t have any insecurities surrounding my appearance.  And when I became a mom for the first time, I quickly realized how easy it would be to go down a road that would not lead to a similar free environment for my children.  You see, when Jamey and I lived in Germany I worked out once–and often twice–a day.  The reason for this was because we would ride together to the Air Base Jamey was stationed at and my work day was much shorter than his.  So, I would often end up at the gym before I began work simply because there was a lack of other options.  Then, Jamey would hit the gym after he was done with work and so I would be there again.  My lack of passion in the gym prevented me from being anything more than moderately fit, but I never had trouble fitting into my clothes.  Then, we moved to North Carolina and my gym routine was gone.  My pregnancy had physical restrictions attached to it for various reasons and, let’s just say, by the time it was over I didn’t exactly pop right back into my jeans.  So, I was faced with a decision.  Did I diet and strive to get back in to them as soon as possible?  I was a little afraid of that choice.  Not only because I didn’t want to go through the pain of dieting, but because I knew how quickly that could become an absolute focus of mine.  (I tend to me a little “all or nothing”.)  I also realized that if we were going to have more children–which, I assumed correctly, we were–then this would begin a cycle of dieting without any foreseeable end.  And I realized how quickly that could become a lesson to my children.  One that I did not want to teach them.  So, I made a rule for myself–no dieting.

(Please understand, I’m not saying there is anything wrong with dieting in and of itself.  Often it can be done in a healthy way and especially if there are health concerns, it may need to be done.  In the interest of being transparent, I’ll share that I’m even contemplating breaking my rule a little after this last pregnancy so I can wear a few of those summer dresses in my closet before the fleeting summer passes by. We’ll see.)  What I am saying is that I made the choice that I didn’t want my home to be an environment where food or appearance would be a focus and I am very happy that I did.  It has created an environment of freedom and acceptance that I am very pleased with.

However, I soon realized that my “no dieting” rule was simply the first step.  The second step was actually accepting myself as my weight would go up and down through out the years during my various pregnancies. (Not to mention the other changes that happened to my body and appearance.)  If I didn’t diet, but remained critical of how I looked or was constantly showing insecurity in what I looked like or who I was, what would be the point of not dieting in the first place?  So, I challenged myself to accept myself the same way I was accepting my children.

One practical way I did this was that I stopped shying away from being in pictures.  I also stopped being critical of the picture after it was taken.  No snide comments or censoring the pictures to allow only the ones I approved of.  And, this was so freeing!  It has allowed me to simply enjoy myself and the moments I have with my family–without the worry, burden and distraction of worrying about how I look.  It has also created a healthy environment in our home.  It isn’t that appearance isn’t an issue in our home.  With five daughters, it is.  But it isn’t a negative issue.  Instead, in our home appearance is celebrated!  (We are a home filled with girls who love our fashion and glamour!)

Unfortunately, I can’t say that my kids have never been exposed to the issues that can be so prevalent in our society in regards to weight and appearance.  One of my daughters has a friend who was worried about being “fat” at a very young age.  It broke my heart to hear my daughter begin to process some of the things she had heard come out of her friend’s mouth.  But, I soon realized that though raising my kids with a value system that is enforced by the actual atmosphere of our home wouldn’t prevent these issues from entering their lives, it will prevent them from gaining a foothold.  As with so many other issues in parenting, it isn’t about sheltering your children from the world, but it is about preparing them for it so that they won’t be molded by it.

The thing is, this all starts with me accepting myself.  And beyond mere acceptance,  actually liking myself.  How can I teach my kids to genuinely feel good about who they are if I can’t do it authentically myself?  Enjoying the beauty and individuality of each of my kids has truly helped me to appreciate the unique beauty that I carry.  I can’t say that I don’t have days when I feel…frumpy or like I am already showing too many signs of the aging process.  But, this value system prevents me from dwelling there too long.  I’ve also discovered that when I am less critical of myself I am much less critical of others.  And, I am much more fun to be around!  I am able to be “in the moment” more fully.  I am also able to recognize and celebrate beauty in the people and world around me much more easily.  Learning to love–and actually like–myself has turned out to be one of the greatest gifts I could give to my kids.  And, myself.  🙂

MeNEllie