A Joy Filled Home

By Nicole VanGelder

Homeschool Prep Tips

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I love the start of a new homeschool year! New school supplies, plans, books…it is an exciting time filled with hope and anticipation for all that the new year will hold. But, this can also be overwhelming, because homeschool is a lot. This is especially true if you are just starting out, are adding a new student (or “little” to occupy while the older ones are doing school), are coming off a difficult year, etc. 

To help make your process easier, I’ve thought through what steps I take and am sharing some of the key ones below. I hope they are helpful for you! However, keep in mind that each family is unique with its own structure, personality and needs. So, use what I share to help spur you on as you create your own process.

HOMESCHOOL PREP TIPS:

1.) PRAY

If possible, this should be your first step. Spend time in prayer before you do anything else! (If you’ve already spent time preparing for the year, it isn’t too late though!) It is easy to ask the Lord to bless what you’ve already decided to do, but this isn’t what I am talking about. I mean, spend some time asking the Lord to give you wisdom and an understanding heart for the year ahead. Ask Him what He would have you do with the year ahead. Then, listen! Make note of what He says—thoughts you have or something that happens in your heart, etc. Then, make (or adjust!) your plans accordingly. 

2.) DETERMINE YOUR TOP PRIORITY / VALUE

During this next school year there will be many tasks you need to accomplish. However, those are separate from this. This is the driving value that will determine the how not the what. For example, it may be that the main reason you are homeschooling is for the connection it will create between you and your child(ren). Or maybe you want the opportunity to engage more purposely with their spiritual formation. Perhaps, it is because your child is coming out of a tough season and you are trying to protect them and help them regain their sense of self.  Even if you are homeschooling because you have no other option, there should be a top priority, even if it is simply to survive the year with your sanity intact. (I do encourage you to dream at least a step beyond this, however!) It is important to know this because it will inform the way you approach everything else. If your goal is connection, then it is important to keep that in mind so that you protect your connection in the midst of the busy days. Determine your top priority and then allow it to help shape the plans you make!

3.) KNOW YOUR TOP 3-5 GOALS

There will be many things for you to accomplish this year. Some are required because of the stage and age of your children. Others are skills or activities that you want to add for other reasons. One of the best things about homeschooling is the fact that you can tailor your experience to encompass all of this! However, it is helpful to know what your top 3-5 goals for the year are. These are practical things that you need to accomplish. These can be a subject or curriculum or a skills your child needs to develop or grow in. Whatever the case, knowing clearly what they are is important because if a day comes when you hit a bump in the road—a life circumstance, a child struggling in grasping a subject or skill, etc.—you can pare down the rest of what you are doing and focus on the top goals only. Then, as the road smooths out, you can add back the “extras”. This helps you to maintain progress and, ultimately, will lead you to a successful year, even if it looks differently than you had originally planned. 

4.) RESOURCES

There are so many amazing resources out there to help with homeschooling today! Take advantage of them! I highly recommend finding a complete curriculum to use as your base. This is so helpful in helping to give you a framework for each year. It is also extremely helpful in your record keeping (especially for older kids who will need to have credits organized on their transcripts, and so on). However, with that said, use the resources out there to your advantage! It may take some time, but don’t be afraid to tweak the curriculum to better fit your family That way you can use its strengths without being limited by its weaknesses. No curriculum will be perfect! I especially recommend this for larger families. I use the same curriculum each year, however, I have tweaked it over time—subbing in books that I prefer, etc. I still cover the same subjects and it helps me to have peace of mind that all of the basics are covered. But, I have found books and prefer for various reasons and that work better for my kids in some of the areas. Also, there is a lot of variety in both styles and price ranges in terms of what is available. So, take the time to research a little to find what best fits you. (And, if you settle on something and it doesn’t work, that stinks! But, don’t let the cost you’ve contributed keep you tied to something that isn’t a good fit. Instead, as you are able, make changes.)  

Also, on the topic of resources, homeschooling is the perfect opportunity to tailor your classes according to the skills and interests of your children. You may need some time to simply get the basics figured out. But, then, I do encourage you to add subjects or special projects that help them to discover more about the things they are naturally interested in. Bonus points if you can do this for the core subjects, too. 

5.) FORMS

A note on forms: The emotion is usually (if not always) disproportionate to the experience.. For whatever reason, filling out the required intent to homeschool forms feels terrifying. But, it is actually quite simple—at least in MN. So, I encourage you to just do it! Note: There are forms available on-line that you can print off and mail in to your school district. I highly encourage you to use those. They are available on several sites with a simple google search such as, “homeschooling mn forms”.  (Many useful sites are out there that will answer any questions you have about requirements and so on.) 

6.) SCHEDULE

I definitely recommend taking time to plan out your schedule for the year—both your daily schedule as well as optional field trips, etc. For your daily schedule, think through when & where you will be doing school, what meal and/or snack times will look like, and what your expectations are for both your kids and yourself during school time. Helpful questions to consider are along these lines: 

*What does it mean in your home to be ready for the school day? (For example: Is it okay to show up for school in PJs? Is breakfast a part of the day or do they need to eat beforehand? Etc.) 

*Are your kids allowed to have a break before all of their school work is completed? 

*Can they do independent work in their rooms? 

*Are there daily chores you want to build into their schedule?

*What is acceptable for you during school? (For example: Is it okay to pause and throw in a load of laundry? What about checking your email?)

*What are your plans for any “littles” that you may have who aren’t yet in school? How can you help them to be successfully occupied during school time? 

*When will you check over any independent work? 

This is by no means an exhaustive list! But, hopefully these questions have helped you think through what daily life in your home looks like and what factors will be helpful for you to consider going into the school year. Setting clear expectations will help everyone to be successful! I highly encourage you to set the bar high, too. I don’t mean impossibly so, of course. But, it is much easier to loosen expectations & requirements as you go than to tighten them. 

A few other notes: If you are adding a spiritual element into your day, I recommend doing it first. It is all too easy to throw it out the window if the day gets busy otherwise. Also, I highly recommend doing the hardest subjects first—these can be the most difficult for your students and/or for you! Either way, it is helpful to tackle those things first because then you won’t be tempted to not do it if the day gets busy, plus it helps you to end the day on a high note if you save the “fun” stuff for later. 

Finally, don’t hold to the schedule you create as though it is unmovable. I do encourage you to stick with it for at least a couple of weeks to give you and your family time to adjust to it. But, then, feel free to tweak it here and there to best suit your families needs. Remember also that what works in one season may not fit in the next. 

7.) ORGANIZATION

The more organized you can be, the easier life will be! However, organized doesn’t mean that there is no mess or noise, etc. (Make your peace with days of organized chaos! You home is now a schoolroom, lunchroom, gymnasium, preschool, possibly your remote work office, etc. Life is messy! But, it can still be organized.) Also, keep your organization as simple as possible. You want to set a standard that is attainable for both you and your kids. 

A few tips: Everything should have a home—including your children’s schoolwork. If you have a separate school space, this should hopefully be fairly easy. But, even if you don’t, try to find a space where school books belong when they aren’t in use I also recommend providing a binder (or shelf or bin) for each child that they can keep their school papers & projects in. Also, help your children to grow their organization skills by making them responsible to put their papers, books, supplies away. (This means the system needs to be simple enough for them to be able to easily follow it!) Along with this, I highly recommend your students have an assignment notebook or a place in their binders to keep track of what independent school / chores they have to do. (Obviously, this is dependent on age.) This will help your days to go more smoothly, but even more importantly, will help them to grow in responsibility. 

8.) REMEMBER: YOU ARE A PARENT FIRST

Much like motherhood, homeschooling is a marathon, not a sprint. This means that some days you will be more tired than others! Parts of it you will find that you thrive in, hitting your stride! But in other areas you will need to keep going until you either develop the muscles needed or simply get through it (or—most likely, both). 

This means that there may be days that you need to work extra hard to protect your “mom / dad” relationship with your child. For example: Especially if your child is struggling as a student, you don’t want your relationship to be dominated by the ‘teacher / student” dynamic. You need to put that aside and connect as mom & child, too! (Or, maybe you are the one struggling. Same thing! Put aside the teacher hat & connect as a parent.) Hopefully your kids will experience you as a loving, engaged teacher. But, no matter what the school dynamic is like, it is especially important to protect your relationship with them as a loving, engaged parent!

Also, if you find that you are having trouble helping your child to be successful in an area or skill, don’t be afraid to get outside help. First of all, it doesn’t mean that homeschool is failing or you are failing. It may simply be that they need more help in a specific area. (This happens in public school, too!) As a parent, your number one priority is to help your child to be successful. So, don’t let the fact that you are their teacher stop you from getting them outside help or changing up your curriculum or methods to address the area that is need of help.*

*On a different note, but worth saying: Children don’t develop the same!! Some will easily grasp a subject while others may take more time. Don’t compare their progress with each other. And, don’t be too anxious if progress is slow. Instead, simply know what markers that require you to get outside help or address the situation differently. And, then don’t panic! Just keep going, giving both of you ample grace & patience as you grow together!

9.)  COMMUNITY LIFE: CO-OPS & OTHER ACTIVITIES.

As homeschool has grown in popularity, there are more and more co-ops and other activities that are available to homeschooling families. (Homeschooling kids are also able to participate in sports and other extra curricular activities in your local school district.) So, don’t feel limited by your choice to homeschool! It may require more intention on your part, but your children have the opportunity to be as involved in outside activities as you & they would like. 

With that said, don’t feel obligated to participate in any of it. Don’t base your choices off of what others do, either. Instead, look at what best fits your family! Because our family is a larger one, we have often limited outside activities like organized sports. This is a bummer! There are a lot of good things that come from participating in sports! However, the cost for us has always been too high. (For example: It would make family dinner a lot more difficult. Our family is on the larger side and it is very important to us that we have regular family time for many reasons, one being that it helps all of our kids maintain connection with each other. At dinner we talk about our day and specifically connect with what is happening in each other’s lives. We also do a prayer time together after during the school year. If we had kids participating in different sports that would all but be eliminated as the family scattered in different directions to drive, cheer kids on, etc.) That is the choice that we have made, but that doesn’t mean it is the right choice for another family. It also isn’t necessarily going to even be the right choice for us in every season. The point is that you should both be aware of what options are out there for you & your kids, and then you should make thoughtful & intentional choices based on the values & priorities driving your current season. 

10.) THE GOAL IS PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION.

No school is perfect. This is comforting because yours won’t be either. But, also? Yours won’t be either! Should I say it one more time, just to make sure you get it? You are not creating a perfect system! Instead, you are doing your best for your kids. This is all you can do. And, you know what? Chances are good that it will be enough! 

But, it means that things won’t be perfect. There may be days that you don’t get through all that you hoped to get through. In those times, know that happens to everyone. (Even the best public school teachers!) There may be days when things feel hard. That happens to everyone too. The good news is that you will learn (along with your kids) and things will get easier. Don’t be thrown off by imperfection. Instead, know that the journey is about progress! If plans are continually falling apart, stress levels are unbearably high & not going down as time passes, or your kids (or you!) are really struggling or failing to make progress—by all means, step back! Get help! Make changes! But, otherwise? Don’t be thrown by imperfection. No situation is going to be perfect. So instead of worrying about that, make peace with it. Then, keep going! You will be amazed at how far you & your kids will actually go as you faithfully stay the course. 

This is by no means an exhaustive list. But, I hope it was encouraging and helpful for you nonetheless. Homeschooling requires a lot, but it has amazing potential for you & your kids. So, know that the investment you make is worth it & there will be lasting good that will come from it! Blessings to you and your families at the start of this new year!

Mother’s Day Gift Ideas:

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Mother’s Day is perhaps a little bit different in our home than in others because of the nature of our profession. Being pastors, Sunday is a work day for us! While various kids do always make me breakfast in bed, it isn’t really possible to have a lazy morning or relaxing day off which, to be honest, has always seemed my ideal way to celebrate. (At our own private ocean front beach, which is equally difficult being as we live in MN. And aren’t millionaires.)😉🤣The good news is that I don’t actually need any of those things to feel cared about by my family. I do however like to feel appreciated on this day! 

I don’t know what your ideal day looks like or how likely it is to occur. The way people celebrate Mother’s Day varies as widely as the circumstances and personalities of families. There is one suggestion I have for everyone however, and it is to thoughtfully acknowledge the important mothers in your life in some way. I will share some practical suggestions below, but I ask you to keep in mind that the amount of money you spend pales in comparison with sincere & thoughtful care. This can be accomplished in a variety of ways. 

Also, an important note for moms: If you have expectations for this day, please express them to those who you are expecting to fulfill them! I know this might feel awkward. I also know it is tempting to think that if you have to express it, it somehow takes away from the specialness of it. This is a trap! The truth is that your hopes may or may not be able to come to pass. But, if they are unknown, then it will be almost impossible for the people in your life to bring them about & you will all end up disappointed & disconnected. Instead, have a conversation & set expectations for the day before it comes about. 

Some practical ideas: 

Words of Appreciation — A few simple, sincere words of appreciation come with little cost and can have great impact! I encourage everyone to practice this for the mothers in their lives! You can do this through a variety of ways: a card, a simple handwritten note, a video recording, etc. I encourage you to express your own thankfulness & then also to help the kids to do so also!

Breakfast in Bed — I would add to this a day of pampering as much as possible! Don’t stop at breakfast! Also, and this is key: Do the dishes after! (Also, the breakfast can be simple. The key is that it is made in love!) 

Coupon Book —. I know these are cheesy. But, they are also fabulous if you include thoughtful coupons for connection & some quiet time / pampering for her!

Devotional Book — A devotional can be very helpful for a mom that doesn’t have a lot of time to spend alone with her Bible! The bite sized chunks can inspire and encourage her on days when she doesn’t have time or capacity for anything more. (I love “My Utmost for His Highest” by Oswald Chambers. There is a paperback copy available for less than $10. But, there are many good ones out there.)

A “Best Mom Ever” Mug — I love coffee and I love mugs. But, I underestimated how special it would be when a couple of my girls used their own money to buy me one of these. It warms my heart each time I use it. 

A Family Fun Day — Treat your wife & whole family to a “family fun day”. This can take place right in your home or you might want to get out of the house for the day. 

Note: If Mother’s Day itself is too hectic, plan it for another day! For several years we went to the Zoo in the afternoon with my parents and extended family. The amount of crying kids and stressed out parents was always remarkable to me. Don’t allow the pressure of the day to force an activity that isn’t enjoyable for anyone! So, if Mother’s Day isn’t a good day, instead plan something for another day! Also, make sure to think through what kind of activities she enjoys! This could be a day outside in the local area — Como Zoo, Minnehaha, the Lock & Dams, etc. if you are here in the Twin Cities. Or, it could be a day shopping. Perhaps you stay home and play some games / watch a movie. Or, if you have the time & budget you could do a longer day or even night away & head up to Duluth or someplace within a day’s drive. And so on.

Flowers — Not all women appreciate flowers, but for those that do, a beautiful arrangement brings a pop of joy into your home (& heart!). Bonus if it is something that lasts.

Clothes/Accessories — Each mom has a different style & this may or may not be her jam. I love it. The jewelry my husband has given me for various occasions over the years will always be treasured. As will the pieces I have that my kids picked out for me—especially the ones they paid for themselves. (They may tarnish over time, but they have left permanent sparkle in my heart!)  The point is something pretty that makes you feel good to wear / use. As a bonus look at Trades of Hope or similar companies that empower women & do good while providing quality goods! 

Gift Card — Giving a mom a gift card allows her to shop guilt free. As a bonus, watch the kids while she has a couple hours to herself to shop!

Nespresso Coffee Maker — A gift that can be enjoyed each day. Note: Consider how the pods will add to your coffee budget. You could also invest in other drip coffee makers, an Aeropress, a French Press, a Pour Over, etc. I love my morning coffee time with my husband, its one of my favorite parts of each day! So, maybe along with this start a morning ritual of a few quiet moments with coffee together. 

Massage / Salon Visit — A massage can be quite a gift for a tired mama. Or a fresh hair cut, and/or color. This gift is about pampering her with some relaxing, quiet time while she is being cared for. 

iFIT Bike — This is a very costly purchase & it may be tricky to gift in a way that doesn’t say “Hey, it seems like you could use more exercise.” But, I LOVE my bike! I get to have some time just me on the bike, virtually experiencing some of my favorite places. Recently I’ve been biking through Hawaii & Moab, UT. Both places I love. Before that it was Italy (which is now on my bucket list for travel). You get the point. On top of that, it is good for me & that feels good, too. 

I hope these help to spark some ideas for you. No matter how you celebrate, I hope you have a very special day!

A Devotional for Moms: Are Your Eyes Light?

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Verse Highlight:

Matthew 6:19-24 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. The eye is the lamp of the body; so then if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light that is in you is darkness, how great is the darkness! No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and wealth.” (emphasis mine)

The Message “Don’t hoard treasure down here where it gets eaten by moths and corroded by rust or—worse!—stolen by burglars. Stockpile treasure in heaven, where it’s safe from moth and rust and burglars. It’s obvious, isn’t it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being. Your eyes are windows into your body. If you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. If you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have! You can’t worship two gods at once. Loving one god, you’ll end up hating the other. Adoration of one feeds contempt for the other. You can’t worship God and Money both.”

Dear Moms, 

I have read Matthew 6 and the chapters around in countless times, yet they continue to both challenge and deeply encourage me! I encourage you take time to read them too! But, for the sake of this devotional though, we are going to focus mainly on the above verses. 

These verses are speaking about storing treasure in heaven rather than on earth and then there is a seemingly random passage about eyes. What? How does this fit? What does one have to do with the other?

Our eyes are so important. What we see helps to shape the way we see and understand the world around us.  This is why it can be so damaging for kids (and us!) to watch things that are immoral or even simply without context or understanding. Is is important that we are thoughtful with what we allow before our eyes. But, it is also important that we train our eyes in how to see. 

Have you ever noticed that different people experience the same circumstances differently? It is amazing how this happens! But, we all know this is true. We all have someone in our life somewhere who constantly sees things from a negative point of view. (If you don’t, there is a good chance that you are this person!) This isn’t actually a bad thing. God wired people differently and certain personalities tend in this direction—which means that there is good reason for it. 

However, it also means that you may need to work harder than others to train your eyes in how they see. And, the truth is, this is something we all need to consciously do because the way we see determines the light we carry. And, if the light inside of us is dark, how great is the darkness! This is because we are the source of the darkness and we don’t even realize that what we are seeing is darkness! We think it is what light looks like!

And, the cost of our eyes being dim is great. We practice righteousness for the applause of man instead of heaven. We focus on the wrong things & become consumed with the cares of this world. We worry and strive and end up hating and despising the very One we think we are serving. 

Yikes! But, there is good news. It is this: we get to control how we see. We can train our eyes to see with light. The question is how do we do this? 

“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” Matthew 6:34 The Message

One way we train our eyes to see correctly is by focusing on what God is doing right now. And if you can’t see what He is doing it’s because you haven’t been paying attention. So, today, I want to invite you to open your eyes and see. He is with you! Stop, take a deep breath and close your eyes right now, just for a second. 

Did you feel His Presence? If not, try it again (and again!)—however long you have to try before you do. It might just be a glimpse of Him, but that’s all you need. It’s the start. Recognizing that God is with you and looking for Him, straining to see what He is doing—it will change the way you see. Rather than lack, you will see an opportunity for Him to provide. Rather than stress, you will lean into His grace. Rather than fear, you will find His unshakable love. 

I don’t know what you are facing today. I don’t know what this season of motherhood looks like. But, I do know that the Lord is with you. He loves you. He loves your kiddos. So, let this thought strengthen and encourage you today. No matter what is happening in your world and the world in general, the Lord is near and if you open your eyes to it, you will be filled with wonder, belief, and light as you see all that He is doing. 

You’ve got this, Mama! And, more importantly, He’s got this. And He’s got you, too. Just open your eyes and see. 

Action Step: One way to train our eyes is by praying the Lord’s Prayer regularly. (I’ve mentioned this in previous devotionals.) So, I encourage you to pray this prayer each day. 

Matthew 6:9-13 “Pray, then, in this way: ‘Our Father who is in heaven, Hallowed be Your name. ‘Your kingdom come. Your will be done, On earth as it is in heaven. ‘Give us this day our daily bread. ‘And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. ‘And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil. [For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.’]”

As you pray it, change it into your own words so you are processing—and believing—the words you are praying! You will be amazed at how these simple words will change the way you see and grow faith in your heart. 

A Devotional for Moms: Love Believes the Best (in You!)

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Verse Highlight: 1 Corinthians 13:7 “[Love] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (NASB)

New Living Translation: “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” 

The Passion Translation: “Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up.”

Dear Moms,

1 Corinthians 13 gives us quite a list about love. It’s kind of like a recipe. These things make up love. And, like most recipes, all of the ingredients are important! If you take one out or try and substitute it for something else, the end product won’t be quite the same. It won’t be as good. All the ingredients are important, but perhaps the one that amazes me the most is the one above. I wonder how many of the other ingredients flow from it. 

Belief indicates trust. It is about having confidence in something in such a way that you place trust in them. This kind of belief is not a mild “this could happen”. It isn’t an idle hope. 

Think for a moment of the people in your life that have believed in you—truly believed. These type of people tend to be rare. I had a teacher once that saw more in me than I saw in myself & took the time to speak to me about the possibilities for my future. She spoke in a “if you pursue this, you will be successful” type of a way. Not a “maybe or could”. Jamey & I have had the amazing privilege of having older people come into our lives in a similar way at various times in our life. They would encourage us and add strength to us by the faith they placed in us. This is a remarkable thing! It marks you and changes you.

Do you know that the Lord looks at you & believes in you? Think about this: the Lord loves your children. He created them. They are, in fact, His children. Yet—He gave them to you!

On occasion, I have left my kids with others while Jamey & I have been out of town. It is always a difficult process. Even though we have amazing people in our life—that love our kids & I know will do great with them—it just isn’t the same. Eight kids (well, less that need watching now) is a lot to manage. Bed times & meals & routines—there are a lot of details! What happens if they get sick? Or something happens? It can be stressful!

In fact, there are many more opportunities to go than Jamey & I take simply because it is so costly to leave. Yet, the Lord willingly gave us His kids! 

He trusts us to take care of them. To love them. To nurture them. To teach them & guide them. He trusts us to lead them to Him. This must mean that He sees more in us than we often see in ourselves. 

God isn’t reluctant with you. He wholeheartedly believes in you. He is with you on your journey, equipping & teaching you—correcting when needed—but mostly? Mostly, I think, He is cheering you on. If you listen, you can hear Him.

The Lord trusts you, so you should believe the best in yourself too! And, you should trust Him, too. Trust that He is with you. Trust that He knew what He was doing when He created you. And, trust that it was not an accident when He gave you His children to be yours. 

“Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up.” Let the Lord’s love be your safe shelter. As you do, you will become a safe shelter for your kids (and others!) too.

Action Step: Train your brain! It may seem silly, but I want you to repeat the following words to yourself, “The Lord loves me. I am His beloved. He knows me, trusts me & believes the best in me. He is with each moment of the journey. I can trust Him & believe the best about myself, my life, and my future.”

The Lord is cheering you on, and so am I! May you encounter the Lord & His love for you this week bringing healing, refreshment, and great joy.

Two(ish) Minute Daily Marriage Boost Challenge: Day Nine Questions

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In Mandy Len Catron’s Modern Love essay, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” she refers to a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) that explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions. The 36 questions in the study are broken up into three sets, with each set intended to be more probing than the previous one.

The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.

The final task Ms. Catron and her friend try — staring into each other’s eyes for four minutes — is less well documented, with the suggested duration ranging from two minutes to four. But Ms. Catron was unequivocal in her recommendation. “Two minutes is just enough to be terrified,” she told me. “Four really goes somewhere.”

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

8. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

9. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

10. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

11. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

32. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

33. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

*Printed from The NewYork Times website, Jan. 9, 2015.  A few questions were edited out. 

Family Devotional: Through the Bible Series: Genesis 6-9 / Noah

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See previous devotionals for tips as to how to open up your devotional time in prayer, etc. 

For this devotional, I do encourage you to read the story of Noah from a Children’s Bible if you are able. Otherwise choose several passages to read, so that the main parts of the story are shared: There was great evil in the land, but Noah found favor with God. Noah obediently made the Ark as God instructed. When it was time, Noah & his family, plus two of every kind of animal entered the ark & God shut the door after them. They were safe on the ark during a flood that brought destruction & changed the world forever. After the rain stopped they remained in the ark until the waters subsided. When they got off of the ark, they worshipped the Lord. The Lord instructed them to be fruitful & multiply, filling the earth. And then made a covenant to never again cut off all people & animals or destroy the earth with a flood. He then gave the rainbow as a sign of the covenant. 

Scripture Focus: Genesis 6-9

Verse Highlight: Genesis 6:8 “But Noah found favor in the eyes of the LORD.”

Introduction Questions: What does it mean to be good? to have integrity? (Adjust the wording of the question depending on the age of your kids.) Can you think of someone you know (or know of) that you would consider a man/woman of “integrity”? What about them makes you say that? 

Discussion:  In The Message version of the Bible, the beginning of the story of Noah reads like this: “GOD saw that human evil was out of control. People thought evil, imagined evil—evil, evil, evil from morning to night. GOD was sorry that he had made the human race in the first place; it broke his heart. GOD said, “I’ll get rid of my ruined creation, make a clean sweep: people, animals, snakes and bugs, birds—the works. I’m sorry I made them. But Noah was different. GOD liked what he saw in Noah. This is the story of Noah: Noah was a good man, a man of integrity in his community. Noah walked with God. Noah had three sons: Shem, Ham, and Japheth.” (Genesis 6:1-10)

It is hard to imagine a world like this. In fact, let’s not even try. We know that evil is in the world. But, instead of looking at the evil, let’s look at something else: Noah found favor in the eyes of the Lord. He walked with God. The Lord looked at Him and smiled. 

Do you know that we get to live like that, too? 

Psalm 5:12 says, “Surely, LORD, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield.”

When we put our faith in Jesus, we become righteous. That means that we have God’s favor around us all the time, like a shield. Do you know what a shield is for? It’s used for protection. Also, shields were often decorated to identify people individually, or recognize them as a part of a military unit.* If we apply this to this verse, then the Lord’s favor protects us & also identifies us! It is part of who we are as His children, His friends, His family! What affect do you think that this has on our lives? 

God’s grace and goodness is with us. It surrounds us and tells others who we are and whose we are! Since this is true, we don’t ever need to be afraid of darkness or evil! Because no evil can overcome the goodness of God! So, instead of worrying, we get to celebrate. And that is what we are going to do right now. 

Closing Activity: As a family, make a list of the ways you have seen God’s favor on your lives. Make sure to include “small” things, too! Then, pray out loud together, each taking a turn to thank the Lord for a specific way His kindness has been shown to them. This is also a good time to give any specific worries or fears to the Lord and replace them with confidence in His protection and Presence in your life. 

Bonus Activity: Take paper or perhaps a paper grocery bag & cut it into the shape of a shield. Then, make a “family crest of God’s favor”. Let each person add something to the design / help to decorate it. Then hang it up someplace this week to remind you that God’s favor is with you! 

*More information on shields can be found here: https://www.mylineage.com/family-coat-of-arms-explanation/ 

A Devotional for Moms: Grace & Wisdom

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Verse Highlight: 

Proverbs 4:6-9 “Never walk away from Wisdom—she guards your life; love her—she keeps her eye on you. Above all and before all, do this: Get Wisdom! Write this at the top of your list: Get understanding! Throw your arms around her—believe me, you won’t regret it; never let her go—she’ll make your life glorious. She’ll garland your life with grace, she’ll festoon your days with beauty.” (The Message)

Here is the sam passage in the NASB: “Do not forsake her, and she will guard you; Love her, and she will watch over you.“The beginning of wisdom is: Acquire wisdom; And with all your acquiring, get understanding.“Prize her, and she will exalt you; She will honor you if you embrace her. “She will place on your head a garland of grace; She will present you with a crown of beauty.”

Dear Moms, 

I said to my husband just the other day, “I think I’m starting to get this whole motherhood thing down.” I was saying it tongue in cheek, but there was also a grain of truth to it. It was tongue in cheek because I have actually learned a thing or two in the past nineteen years (thankfully!!), but also because I recognize that I am not quite there yet. My motherhood journey is not over and I have a feeling that I will be growing and learning, being refined, for all of it! 

Sometimes I’m learning because I am actually encountering a new situation, one that I’ve never faced before. In those moments, even if I have head knowledge, experiencing it personally is a whole different thing! (For example, it’s helpful to learn what to expect during childbirth, but no matter how much you learn about it, actually going through it is a much different experience for most of us!) Other times I’m learning a lesson I’ve already learned! This is because I have known something in part, but never actually put it into practice. 

It doesn’t really matter why I need to learn, the important thing is that I do. It’s also important that I recognize this. When I recognize that I am not perfect, my journey not yet complete, I remain teachable. I seek wisdom and understanding. This is put in practice this way: I pray & ask the Lord what to do. I ask Him to teach me. I listen for His voice. I spend time in His Word with an open heart and mind. I ask questions and learn from others. And so on. 

It also looks like this: Change. Repenting for areas I haven’t lived wisely. Sometimes this requires apologizing to my kids or others and then learning new values and behaviors. Even good change can be painful because it stretches you. It requires proaction and practice. You can’t be lazy. This is why, by the way, that wisdom is all too often rare. (You’ll notice in the passage above that it requires action on your part!)

But, the good news is this: the effort is worth it! When you put forth the effort, you will change. And, not only that, but your life will change! For the better! And, more good news? The Lord will give you wisdom! (See James 1:5.) Earthly wisdom can be helpful, but heavenly wisdom? That is of incomparable worth. Not only will that change your life, but it will impact the world because the seeds of heaven are contained within it.

I don’t know what you specifically need wisdom for today. Maybe you are a new mom, facing the challenges of of motherhood for the first time. Trying to figure life out as a mom—while you are exhausted—can feel overwhelming. Maybe you are facing an entirely different challenge as you are learning what motherhood looks like as you experience an “empty nest” for the first time. Or, perhaps it is one of a billion other things that face moms. I don’t know, but I know there is something because your journey isn’t over yet either! And, the best news of all? The Lord knows and He is with you!

Today’s Action Step: 

First: Pray! Ask the Lord for wisdom. Welcome Him into your heart and life to teach and guide you. Repent in any area where you haven’t been teachable. Ask the Lord to give you one specific action step. This could be a way to seek wisdom, or it could be a specific action step of wisdom to take in the area you have been needing wisdom. (Make sure to spend some time listening!)

Then: Act! It is important to not put this off. Acting on what the Lord says as soon as possible is often key to actually putting His wisdom into practice. 

Finally: Repeat this daily, as often as needed. 

Be encouraged! The Lord is not far off. He is with you and He has all the wisdom you could possibly need. No situation you are facing is even a little bit difficult for Him. As you seek wisdom, not only will you find it, but you will find Him. So, take heart! Gather your courage, and let the Lord give wisdom and grace to your day.

 

Family Devotional: Through the Bible Series: Genesis

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This devotional is not created to replace a Bible Reading plan or your personal daily connection time with the Lord. Instead, they are meant to be a short, easy time of connection between both your family and the Lord. If you’d like, read the entirety of the scripture focus as a family. You can do this out of a “regular” version of the Bible, or you can find it in a Children’s Bible. In either case, I encourage you to find a version that you are comfortable with and is easy to understand for you and your children. If your children are old enough, have them read along in their own Bibles! If the reading is too long, you can do the devotional by reading only the verse highlight instead.

Also, it can be helpful to reiterate the value for the Bible each time you read from it, as well as ask the Lord to speak to you and help you to understand and know Him. You can do this through a simple prayer like this, “Thank you Lord for giving us your words in the Bible. We know that your words are true. Please help us to understand them. Help us to know you and your ways and live according to them. Amen.”

Scripture Focus: Genesis 4

Verse Highlight: Genesis 4:6 “Then the LORD said to Cain, “Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it.” (NASB) 

Introduction Questions: Have you ever done something wrong because you were mad about something? Did that make you feel better or worse? How do you get out of an “angry mood”? What about when you do something good? How does that feel? Does it make you want to do more good things?

Discussion: It is easy to mistakenly believe that God stopped relating with Adam and Eve after they had to move out of the Garden of Eden. But, we know that this isn’t true because their sons knew the Lord! They knew Him to the point that Cain wasn’t surprised that God was speaking to him.  So, it would seem like this story should be a happy one. Unfortunately, it isn’t. It is actually very sad. 

Cain and Abel offered sacrifices to the Lord—which is good. But, something about Cain’s offering wasn’t as pleasing to the Lord as Abel’s offering and this made Cain angry! It wasn’t Abel’s fault that his offering was accepted and Cain’s wasn’t, but he still bore the brunt of Cain’s anger. In fact, he paid for it with his life. This is the problem with anger! When you allow anger to be in control of your actions, it hurts! It hurts you, it hurts the people around you. Unchecked anger can be very destructive! But, there is good news: we don’t have to give it control! 

The Lord, in His kindness, tried to help Cain. “Why are you so angry?” the LORD asked Cain. “Why do you look so dejected? You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.” (Genesis 4:6 NLT) 

When we don’t do things right, it is easy to get angry. It’s silly because we are the ones at fault, but in our anger we get mad at those around us! And if we act in anger, we make a big mess! But, the good news is that the Lord is kind to us, just like He was to Cain. He gave us the Holy Spirit to teach and correct us! If we pay attention, He will let us know that we are starting to think or do things that aren’t right. When that happens, it is up to us to choose to listen and change our behavior. 

Cain could have simply made a new sacrifice, one that was acceptable to the Lord. He should have done this. But, instead, he allowed the anger he had inside to sit and simmer until he did something even worse. Unfortunately, this is usually what happens when we don’t make things right—things get worse. But, if we “subdue” it—by choosing to do what is right!—than it no longer has control. Instead, we do. When we do what is right (even before we might “feel like it”!) it brings us freedom from the messes of sin. 

Closing Activity: Ask each other if there is a specific area where you have been struggling to do the right thing. If someone has something to share, spend time together talking about what “right” action they could take to make sure they aren’t giving sin control. Then, pray as a family, thanking the Lord for the Holy Spirit and asking Him to guide and correct and comfort you.

Bonus Activity: Note: This activity can be messy! I suggest having a baking dish to “catch” the overflow, as well as to do this someplace that a mess won’t be a problem. 

In today’s devotional, we learned about how sin and anger can make a mess if you let them sin inside of you. We are going to do an activity to sho an example of what this is like: 

Get a glass and fill it about half full with vinegar. Then add a squirt of dish soap into it. Finally, add a heaping spoonful of baking soda. Then, watch what happens!
This is what sin and anger can be like if we allow it to remain in our hearts and lives. It overflows and makes a mess! But remember—it doesn’t have to be like this! Instead, we can choose to listen to the Lord and do good. After all, this is a fun activity, but not a fun way to live!

A Devotional for Moms – Accessing Grace Through Prayer

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Verse Highlight: 

Matthew 15:29-31 “Departing from there, Jesus went along by the Sea of Galilee, and having gone up on the mountain, He was sitting there. And large crowds came to Him, bringing with them those who were lame, crippled, blind, mute, and many others, and they laid them down at His feet; and He healed them. So the crowd marveled as they saw the mute speaking, the crippled restored, and the lame walking, and the blind seeing; and they glorified the God of Israel.”

Dear Moms, 

I am in awe of Jesus for so many reasons, but the fact that He was continually interrupted and pulled on by people who needed things from Him and He never lost His mind? Well, that is certainly a wonder. At least to me. I love my kids. All of them. More than I ever knew was possible. My heart feels like it has literally grown because of them! It is almost overwhelming sometimes. But even with all of that being true, I sometimes just want to say, “Leave me alone! Don’t touch me! I don’t know! Please just be quiet!” even when they are not doing anything at all except simply trying to be with me. In those moments I know that they are not the problem, but I still struggle to respond to them with kindness. Most—if not all—moms can identify with moments like this. (I may even know a mom that used to “hide” for a moment of quiet in her closet. I know this, because it was me!*)

It can be difficult to have the unending pressure of someone else needing you—especially if they aren’t considerate of even your basic needs! That is why it is so amazing to me that Jesus would look at the crowds of people interrupting His life with such compassion and care. Always. How did He do this? And, can we be like this too?

I do think that there is a key to this: Jesus spent a lot of time in prayer. He would go off by Himself & spend time with His Father. And while I think these times contained talking, listening, and probably just being with the Father, we do have a blueprint for creating the same type of experience in prayer. 

Matthew 11:1-13 “It happened that while Jesus was praying in a certain place, after He had finished, one of His disciples said to Him, “Lord, teach us to pray just as John also taught his disciples.” And He said to them, “When you pray, say:

‘Father, hallowed be Your name.

Your kingdom come.

‘Give us each day our daily bread.

‘And forgive us our sins,

For we ourselves also forgive everyone who is indebted to us.

And lead us not into temptation.’”

I learned this prayer when I was young, and the older I get, the more I understand the wisdom it contains. If I shape my prayers—and my life—by these principles, the more connected I am to the Father and the more I change to be like Him. (Just recently I’ve started praying this each night with my youngest girls and it’s been amazing!) So, let’s take some time to ponder these words. 

Give us each day our daily bread  = Thank you Lord, that you provide everything we need each day! That means there is no reason to worry or try to make our own way. Instead, we can trust confidently in your care for us and ability to provide all that we need every single day!

Forgive us our sins = Forgive me, Father for all the ways I have failed and fallen short. Thank you for the mercy and grace you extend to me every single day.

We forgive everyone who is indebted to us = Right now we forgive everyone who has wronged us and extend them mercy and grace. We trust You to cover and make things right and we completely release the need for justice, knowing you bring good out of every situation on our behalf. 

Lead us not into temptation = We trust you to lead me on the path we should go. We ask you to help us to know you and your ways, that we may live according to them all of our lives.

Do you see how letting these words into your heart could change the way you see? Do you feel the hope in them? They lead us into rest because we are free from sin, bitterness and worry! Instead, we have received forgiveness, offered it to others & been reminded that God is our guide and Provider. From that position, it becomes so much easier to respond to others with grace, compassion, and genuine love and care! 

Today’s Action Step:

Pray! Take time to pray the Lord’s Prayer. You can use your own words or the ones above. The important thing is to allow the meaning of the Words to connect deep inside of you and to connect your heart with the Lord in the process. 

May these words be filled with life and refreshment for you, and may these days be filled with great joy and love!

A Devotional for Moms: Grace is Found in Perfection

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Verse Highlight: 

Matthew 5:48 “Therefore, you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”

Dear Moms, 

This verse can put quite the pressure on a person! Especially because it was spoken by Jesus Himself, right after He shared quite a few impossible instructions on how to live. Among other things, He compared anger to murder (vs. 21-22), lust to adultery (vs. 27-28), and commanded that His followers love their enemies! This was radical teaching then—and it still is! While the words are no longer new, truly living this way remains a challenge. Was Jesus commanding the impossible? Is this something that can only be fulfilled in heaven? 

Well, yes. And no. Jesus certainly was instructing us to live in a way that can only truly happen through supernatural transformation. But, part of the reason we have such a hard succeeding at this is because of the way we understand perfection.  We think of it as something you start off with, or that it is attained baby keeping something without blemish. When we do something perfectly, we do it correctly the first time, making no mistakes. In this way, a drive for perfection can be detrimental because a) we quickly grow discouraged when things don’t remain perfect (which can cause disillusionment & quitting); and b) it limits our life to a superficial version. We feel pressured to present a specific image to the world around us.  We are reluctant to get involved in things that are beyond our ability to control or contain them. 

But, when Jesus says, “Be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” He is saying, “be complete, fully mature”. And as a Christian, this happens supernaturally through Christ. Because of Him, we are finished & fully mature, lacking nothing. It would be impossible for us to be in need of more than Him! He provided the way to be healed and whole, fully redeemed. 

Yet, we all experience lack. We all can see areas of immaturity in our lives. Places we need to grow. Character that does not quite reflect that nature of the redeemed. How can both be true? 

The truth is that we are saved through faith in Jesus. Immediately. Supernaturally. But, we spend the rest of our days working out our salvation. We spend the rest of our lives becoming more and more whole and complete—being transformed in His Presence, yes. But, also growing as we follow Him & learn His ways. Becoming more like Him through the process of repentance. The more you grow to be like Jesus, the better you will be. For yourself and for everyone else—especially your family! So, my message for you today is twofold:

First, change your definition of perfection. Realize that you and your family are on the journey toward wholeness together and there is no shame in the journey! You are more mature this year than you were last. The same will be true next year. This is reason to be encouraged because it means that the best will always remain ahead of you. You are going from glory to glory, so celebrate growth and make that the standard of your home, not perfection!

Second, recognize that the Lord is deeply invested in your process and your wholeness happens only because of Him! His grace on your life—His kindness—to you will lead you into maturity, if only you will follow Him. Because He gives you such grace, you should also give grace to yourself! (In other words: Be kind to yourself!!) And, give grace to others too. Intentionally cultivate grace in your home and you will be amazed at how far a little kindness will go. 

Today’s Action Step: 

Celebrate growth! Take some time to recognize areas where you / your family members have grown and celebrate it! Acknowledge it with some kind words and maybe even a celebratory dinner or fun family night. If you have had more value for perfection than growth, this is a good time to reset that. It won’t take long before an atmosphere of grace will grow!

You’ve got this! Lead by example by receiving grace from the Lord and extending it to others—starting with yourself. 

Blessings to you as you do!