A Joy Filled Home

By Nicole VanGelder

Two(ish) Minute Daily Marriage Boost Challenge: Day Nine Questions

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In Mandy Len Catron’s Modern Love essay, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” she refers to a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) that explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions. The 36 questions in the study are broken up into three sets, with each set intended to be more probing than the previous one.

The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.

The final task Ms. Catron and her friend try — staring into each other’s eyes for four minutes — is less well documented, with the suggested duration ranging from two minutes to four. But Ms. Catron was unequivocal in her recommendation. “Two minutes is just enough to be terrified,” she told me. “Four really goes somewhere.”

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

8. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

9. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

10. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

11. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

32. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

33. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

*Printed from The NewYork Times website, Jan. 9, 2015.  A few questions were edited out. 

Finding HOPE for Happily Ever After

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The past week or so, my husband & I had two arguments. Well, one wasn’t really an argument, but it was close. It was a misunderstanding—with feeling. 😅 It could’ve easily blown up, and at one time, it definitely would have. Instead, we shared out feelings & thoughts, genuinely listened to each other, came to an understanding that gave each other the benefit of the doubt, & then we went happily on with our day.

Several days later, we had an actual argument. It was real, but very brief. It didn’t take very many minutes before we stopped, apologized sincerely, forgave one another & happily went on with our day.

Both of these incidents were unremarkable. One of a billion that happen in married life. (Or any type of relationship that spans the test of time!) In fact, they would’ve been forgotten, except for one thing. I realized later how amazing it is that my husband & I now have unremarkable arguments. That wasn’t always the case. Sure, we love each other & have for a long time. But, differences in personalities & communication styles, not to mention our own immaturity, used to lead to some pretty explosive moments. We weren’t always equipped to behave with love & care, even when we genuinely wanted to.

I wish I could say that there was a simple secret that we learned that changed things overnight. But, that isn’t what happened. Instead it’s taken time, deliberate choices, learning healthy skills & growing in personal character. (In other words: it required work! Lots of work!) But, I can very truthfully say that I hardly recognize or remember those times because they feel so far removed from our present reality.

I’m so thankful that we stuck it out & did the work. I’m so thankful for God’s grace & mercy that covers us. I’m so thankful for my husband who truly is my best friend & love. He inspires me & brings great joy into my life. I’m so thankful for our family & the life we share. We are certainly not perfect & I know we will always need to continue to grow. But, I have joy now and great hope in our future.

I don’t know what your home life, marriage, or important relationships are like. But, I am sharing this because if yours is less than what you’d like it to be, I want you to know that there is hope! Great hope, even. Healthy, thriving relationships take work. Some more than others. But, the end result is so worth it. Your marriage is worth investing in. You may not be able to see it now, but down the road the result of what you put into it today will yield fruit far greater than what you can see. So, I want to encourage you to take heart & find some hope in our story.

Happily ever after doesn’t happen magically, but it does happen—and if it can happen for us, I know it can be the end of your story, too. So, take heart, my friends! I’ll be praying for you!

Much love,

Nik

Marriage Math

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Marriage is a funny thing. It’s one place where math is superseded by greater reality: 1+1=1

The goal of marriage is for two people to become one person. This process is amazingly fun and filled with joy and wonder.  Two people completely committed to one another that join together in body and soul and life.  It is quite the journey—filled with love and sacrifice, laughter and amazement.  Nothing quite compares.  It is definitely one of God’s best creations.

However, part of the process can be a little bit messy.  Sometimes—like most math—even painful.  That is because, like everything, there’s a balance to it.  And sometimes it take a little while to learn the right balance.  And, it can take practice to stick to the equation, rather than trying to create your own.  The math of marriage is 1+1=1, not 1/2+1/2=1.  Not 1+1=2.  And so on and so forth.

You have to stick with the correct equation.  On the one hand, you can’t go into marriage not being a whole person and expect marriage to work. But on the other hand, you can’t going to marriage not needing someone else and expect the equation to work. Instead, marriage is supposed to be two people who are whole and healthy that aren’t lacking anything, yet learn to need one another. This need though, isn’t based in lack.

Let me see if I can explain. If you live your life always in lack, you will never know what it is to have enough. Some people call this a “Pauper Mentality”.   A pauper mentality is when you never feel like you have enough, so you see everything through the lens of what is lacking. (Marriages with paupers have the math equations like 1/2+1/2=1.) If you have a pauper mentality in marriage, no matter what, you will always feel lack in your marriage. You won’t feel loved enough or special enough or chosen enough. No matter what you’re spouse does, it won’t be enough. That’s because paupers have a vacuum inside that prevents them from ever feeling full (or satisfied).

However, it’s also possible to enter a marriage so independently minded, that you don’t need the other person for anything. This also is not healthy. (These marriages are represented by the 1+1=2 equation.)  How can you become one with another person that you don’t need? How can you grow in oneness with someone that remains simply an extra appendage. Almost like an appendix, your spouse is a part of you but one you don’t really need.  And, while it’s a little painful or dramatic to have it removed, you don’t really miss it after it’s gone, because you were never completely aware of it to start with. This isn’t how marriage is supposed to be.

Both of these types of marriages will lead to an unhealthy and painful home life. What marriage is supposed to be instead, is, two people that have enough coming together and learning how to love each other and live as one.

For example: I need my husband to love me. After all, he’s my husband.  I need his love to be tangible, to play itself out in action and words. It isn’t a weakness that I need those things. If I didn’t, what is the point?  Why bother being married at all?  However, I can’t be dependent upon my husband to be my source of love. I can’t be lacking love and coming him to fill that void. Instead I have to be healthy, knowing that I’m loved and worthy of love and so on and so forth.  Then that need that he’s filling in me isn’t one of desperation, but one created because of the covenant that I made with him.  It is a need not out of my weakness, but out of my strength.  And, it is the only way there is the possibility that my need will actually be able to be met.

Marriage math isn’t always easy. But, it is worth it.  Because the joy found when you get it right?  Incalculable!

Love is Here

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Love is patient, love is kind.  It is not self-seeking.  It does not easily boast.  Now these three—faith, hope and love—remain, but the greatest of these is love.**

Even if you don’t spend a lot of time in the Bible, those words are probably familiar to you. They are poetic and beautiful.  These words are frequently celebrated at weddings, and written in beautiful script on pictures, etc.  The only problem is that sometimes when things are poetic and beautiful, we don’t bother to look beyond the surface of them.

I’ve been pondering these words lately.  And, to be honest, I haven’t always liked them.  I mean, wouldn’t it be easier if love wasn’t unreasonably impatient? If it was kind when that was the natural response to the situation?  Or if it only thought about itself about half the time?  I think I could be a lot better at love if that was the case.

The truth is that love is not easy.  And deciding you’re going to love doesn’t really make it easier. Meditating on these words, has helped me in choosing loving behavior. However, it has also highlighted my failures. This adds to my stress level and, quite frankly, makes it more difficult for me to be patient and kind. Quite a quandary, especially when you’ve decided that the most important thing you can do for your children is raise them in a house of love.

Thankfully, I’ve discovered something. Yes, love has to be intentional. It’s something you have to choose and something that you grow in. But, it is also much easier if you learn one thing:  Be in the moment.  Be fully present in whatever situation you find yourself in. Try to eliminate distractions.  This is not easy! But, the end result is so worth it.

I, like all of you, have a lot going on in my life.  As a result, my life is constant multi-tasking.  And, as a mom, you often can’t get away from that.  Making dinner, doing laundry, helping with homework, referring between children, checking your e-mail—all at the same time.  Sound familiar?  There are simply tasks that need to be done and not enough time to do them. How easy in those moments is it to be patient?  To be kind?  If you are at all like me, those are the moments that you find yourself losing patience.  Being decidedly unloving.  And this is actually good news!

It is good news because it means that it isn’t that I am a terrible person or have some fatal character flaw.  It is just that I’ve been putting an undue amount of pressure on myself.  Perhaps you have also.  (I know this because it is a way of life in America.)  When I stop, take a deep breath, and immerse myself in only what is in front of me—wow.  Life changes!  I change.  I suddenly have the time to really connect with the moment.  To connect with the little one in front of me.

You see, when I am taking the time to look in my daughter’s eyes, I can’t help but be patient and kind.  Because I love her! When I take the time to sit still and look at my husband without thinking through the 75 things I need to do, I stop thinking about myself because I love him!

Raising my kids in a house of love means raising them in a home where I am present.  Not always distracted by my phone or my to do list.  It means things like this: Instead of simply making sure dinner gets made, I engage them in the process with me.  It takes longer, it is messier, and I certainly can’t multi-task, but I have actually spent my time doing that which is most important.

Love is patient.  Love is kind.  Love is here.

**Note: The above is just a few phrases taken out of  1 Corinthians 13.  I highly recommend you make the effort to read through the entire passage and meditate on it and see what fruit results!

Rules to Live By

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Life as a wife and mother can be tricky.  There is a lot going on and much of it is uncharted territory.  There is no “on the job training”.  You have to learn as you go.  Sometimes the right answer to particular problem or circumstance seems elusive.

It can be easy to feel like you are in over your head or to second guess how you chose to handle certain situations.  And, nobody gets through without making at least some mistakes.  You can already tell this is going to be a pretty encouraging blog post, huh?  😉

Actually, it is.  Because while the above is all true, I have discovered a “secret” that helps make life go much more smoothly, guides you when you don’t know what to do and prevents you from having regrets.  (It isn’t that you won’t make mistakes, its that they won’t be too costly.)  This “secret” is simple: “Rules to Live By”.

In our day there has been such an emphasis on grace and freedom that the word “rules” may sound dirty to some.  If that is you, don’t worry.  I’m not talking about rules that control and restrict you or your family.  (After all, the absence of rules can be just as restricting and scary as an overabundance of them!)  I’m talking about simple rules that will guide you when you have decisions to make, when life throws you a curve ball, and even in simply planning out your day.

They don’t have to be posted on your walls or even verbally spoken to your spouse or children.  (Although, you may want to do those things too.)  But, they should be consistently remembered and enforced.  They should be what help to set the tone and structure of your home and the relationships in it.

What are these magical rules?  I can’t tell you that.  They are different for each home.  After all, my marriage isn’t going to look like yours.  My kids are not the same as yours.  But, I can give you some examples of rules I live by:

  1. Say “I love you” a lot.  Add “I like you to it” often too.  I think that it is important for my husband and children to know that I love them.  Always.  Good days or bad days.  Those words are spoken a lot around here.  I like adding the “I like you” to it, because sometimes love can feel like an obligation in family, like you can love someone without really liking them.  My family is made up of my favorite people in the world.  Seriously.  I want to make sure they know that.
  2. Be quick to apologize.  The truth is, I am not perfect.  (I know that comes as a shock to those of you that know me.)  I am still growing in the character and likeness of Jesus.  I don’t always act like Him.  So, I make sure that as soon as I realize a mistake–no matter if it is an error in judgement or a “I thought this was the right thing to do and now realize it wasn’t” type of moment, I say sorry.  This doesn’t always feel good, by the way.  But the fruit of it in my home is unmistakable.
  3. Keep “Family Day” family day.  Life is busy and it doesn’t seem to be headed in towards a slow down anytime soon.  That is okay, though, because there are times built in to our life that help to keep the important things important.  While we have things like family meals built into our days, we also have a weekly “family day” that is set aside to connect as a family.  Usually we go and do something together–for example, yesterday we went to Minnehaha Falls and walked around on the trails, pausing to dip our toes into the ridiculously cold water–but sometimes we simply stay home and work on a project together.  But, either way, the point is family connection. We guard these days and rarely allow anything to interfere with them and as a result, they have been a lifeline of connection and relational growth within our family.

Those are some examples of rules that I live by.  They may have struck a chord in you, or they may not sound at all like they are something you need.  That’s okay.  The point isn’t in each marriage or home operating by the same rules.  And, it certainly isn’t in having lists of rules you strive to live by each day.  The point is simply to have some (often unspoken) “rules” that guide behavior and give a structure that helps maintain the value system and atmosphere that you desire in your home.

Rather than restrict, rules like this bring safety and allow life to flourish.  I shared some of my rules.  What rules do you live by?

 

The Choice of Love

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I “fell in love” with my husband while I was only a teenager.  I actually remember the moment quite clearly.  I have known my husband all my life pretty much and we were very good friends for quite a while before we ever actually dated. (This is not counting a brief period of time in Jr. High that we were “going out”, but never actually went anywhere.  But, that is story for another day.)  During High School Jamey wasn’t exactly a serial dater.  It wasn’t that he couldn’t have been, he just was more interested in snowboarding, football, etc.  Since we were such good friends, it wasn’t uncommon for girls that liked him to approach me to see if I could arrange for them to get a date with Jamey.

One day I was in the car with three of my girlfriends and the conversation turned to boys.  One of them started talking about how cute Jamey was.  Everyone readily agreed and I had this shocking moment where I found myself agreeing too.  This had never happened before!  It wan’t that I had ever found anything unappealing about Jamey, he had just always been my friend.  I never thought about him any other way.  In fact, I had always been a bit perplexed by the way some of the girls seemed to swoon over him, if I am to be honest.  And here I was suddenly realizing that I was…gulp…becoming one of those girls!

Shortly after that we started dating, and while it wasn’t completely smooth sailing from that moment on, we married just a couple years after graduation and are well into our “happily ever after”.  And, the truth is that I am still quite attracted to him and he is still my best friend.  He makes me laugh; he has a kind heart; he pushes me to experience new things that I would never try on my own and end up loving; he is the most loving father I have ever seen; he is strong and courageous and totally authentic; I could go on, but you get the point.  In short, I love him.

J&! Collage

Except, I have a confession to make.  Sometimes I don’t feel like I am “in love”.  Don’t get me wrong, I always love him, but that tingling feeling that makes you weak in the knees?  That hasn’t lasted through every moment together over the years.  Even that, “How did I get so amazingly lucky to be married to such a wonderful man?” feeling?  That has come and gone too.  Don’t misunderstand, I always know it to be true.  I just don’t always feel it.

Which is why I have good news.  It is this:  love is a choice.  It isn’t that love dose not include feelings.  It is just that it doesn’t start there.  Choose love and the feelings will follow.  This is good news, because then on the days when you haven’t had enough sleep and you aren’t seeing the world clearly, you can still love your husband!  This is good news because the longer you are married the better you will get at love.  I think love is like a muscle that you develop over time.  The deepest and richest and strongest loves are those that have been built by consciously and continuously choosing love in all kinds of circumstances.

This is good news because the longer Jamey and I have been married the more we realize that each year just keeps getting better and we can look forward to it continuing to get better.  How is that possible?  Because we are getting better at love.

Do you want to know what it looks like to choose love?  Look at 1 Corinthians 13, for a start.  I know, its that famous “love” chapter that people read at weddings but have heard so many times that it seems like a fancy poem written simply for romantic moments.  But, it isn’t.  It isn’t actually written for the context of marriage at all.  But, it certainly fits.

What would happen if you chose today to be patient with your spouse?  What if you chose to on purpose be kind?  What if you weren’t easily angered, but instead forgave quickly and freely?  What if you put their interests before yours?

I know what would happen.  You would find yourself “falling in love” all over again.  You would discover that in choosing love you actually begin to feel love.  You will find life and joy and rediscover the amazing blessing that your spouse is to you.  And you will find that things are good and just going to continue to get better.

The Power of Laughter

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I was thinking about calling this blog entry “The day of blood and toilet water” because that is what it is about.  That pretty much describes my Tuesday.  Blood.  Toilet water.  Sure, there were other things in the mix, but those will always be the events that come to mind.  Let me explain…Continue Reading

I am Pastor Jamey’s Wife…

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I am a pastor.  And, surprisingly, I rather enjoy it!  I very much enjoy the opportunities that I have to speak to our congregation.  I enjoy working with the staff at the church.  I enjoy the privilege it affords me of being able to be a part of helping to cast vision for what I feel the Lord is doing or saying.  And, I even enjoy connecting with the congregation.  Yet, when I introduce myself, I don’t introduce myself as “Pastor Nicole”.  Instead, I proudly proclaim that I am “Pastor Jamey’s wife”.  Why is that?

I will be the first to admit that I still have some unease at the role of pastor.  However, that has nothing to do with the title I choose as my main identity.  I actually am pretty comfortable and confident in who I am–at least, usually. 🙂  (And, I am growing more and more so all the time.)  While there is a lot that I am still learning about myself, I think God did a pretty decent job when He made me, if you don’t mind me saying so.  But, there is nothing I am more proud of then being “Pastor Jamey’s wife”.  Without any hesitation at all, I think it is the best thing about me.  (Being a mom is a close second.)

Admitting the pride I feel in being a wife comes with a lot of baggage in this day and age.  Most people assume that it must mean I have low self-esteem, or I don’t understand the value of who I am.  Many would say that it is degrading or sexist to find my identity in my marriage.  I am certainly displaying old-fashioned (often seen as outdated!) values.  In fact, I have had more then one person talk to me about how I introduce myself.  They assume that I choose “Pastor Jamey’s wife” over “Pastor Nicole” because of something I lack–confidence, encouragement into really embracing the role of pastor, honor, etc.  They don’t see that I have chosen to identify that way because of what I have–a husband who is good, honorable and my best friend.  A husband who has made me a better person and in the process truly become a part of me.  You see, I don’t think of myself without considering Jamey.  Actually, that would be impossible.  Is this a weakness?  I want to suggest that it is actually the opposite.

Why do I think this?  Because of the example my Father has set out for me.  Hear me out. God has many names.  For example: El Shaddai.  Jehovah.  Elohim.  He is the great I AM. I could go on and on. Why does He have so many different names?  Because each name represents an aspect of who He is.  And He is a big God–He needs a lot of names to try to catch even a small portion of the reality of who He is!

And, when Jesus came to earth, He came to represent the Father.  Everything He did pointed at God. Everything He said reflected the Father’s heart.  And what name did He come representing? Father.  Jesus came to connect us to our Father.  Not God the Creator.  Not the God who provides for us.  Not the Holy One.  God is certainly all those things.  Every name He has been given is true.  Yet, the one that He wanted us to most identify Him with was the name “Father”.  (The same is true of Jesus.  There are many aspects of His identity.  He has many names.  Yet, His main identity is from His role as Son.)

Identifying yourself in relation to your role with others is not a weakness.  My Father taught me that.  When He identifies Himself as Father, it doesn’t make any of the other aspects of His identity less.  It doesn’t change or dishonor His other names.  In fact, I think it enhances them! The same is true for me. The fact that I am a wife does not make my life less.  It makes it so much more!  Covenant relationship is something that has its roots in heavenly places.  It is the greatest joy that I have had a privilege of joining in.  Learning to love my husband–really love him–has been the greatest joy, challenge and honor of my life.  There is nothing else I will ever do that will be so amazing, life-changing or difficult.  There is also nothing else that holds such great reward and promise.  Being a  spouse isn’t something you do, it is something you are.

That is why, if you visit our church and hear me speak, you will probably hear me introduce myself as “Pastor Jamey’s wife”.  It is more then a role I fulfill, it is a part of who I am.  So, instead of clucking and shaking your head, I hope you will join me in celebrating it.  🙂