A Joy Filled Home

By Nicole VanGelder

A Month of Self-Care // Grace for the Process

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I own clothes in a couple of different sizes. This isn’t just because different brands run their sizes differently, either. It’s because I have given myself permission to exist in a variety of sizes. I’ve spent a lot of time pregnant. This has been both a great joy & a source of some difficult heartbreak. As you can imagine, there has been a lot of transition in our growing home. And even good transition has its challenges! So, the last thing I need (or want!) on top of everything else is a pressure to maintain a specific size. (I also didn’t want to model that for my children, but that is another blog for another day.) It isn’t that I don’t care about this at all. It’s just that it has not been important enough to make it to the top of my priority list. And, because of that, my body has actually taught me some unexpected, but quite valuable lessons. They can all pretty much be summed up in this: It is important to be at peace—and even find joy—in the midst of process.

Let me explain. I have a busy life, as I’m sure you do, as well. I can’t remember the last time that everything on my to do list was completed. In fact, I can’t even remember the last time I had a to do list that actually seemed possible to complete. In my roles in both a growing family & a growing church, there is always more to do than time to do it! Life in general demands much from all of us! For this reason, it is essential to learn to prioritize. This is the only way to protect the important parts of life from the urgent tasks that try to demand all of our time. It may be that every task on the to do list feels important—and, maybe they are! But they are not all of equal importance. They can’t be. Some are the main priority for now, others aren’t. Because no one has unlimited capacity, sometimes even things that feel important can be moved down the list from the “must do now” to the the “things to get to someday”.

Because of this, it is important to learn how to live with things undone. With things in process. With things not being the “now” priority yet. This is not easy for someone who likes to accomplish things! But, it is essential, especially for certain seasons of life. This isn’t just helpful for practical matters, either. It is extremely helpful for my journey with the Lord.

I am definitely a work in process. Thankfully, this is a process the Lord is intimately involved in! But, while He is the One that has given me a new nature & transforms me into His image, I am in process of trying to learn the behavior, values, and mindsets that will help me to think & behave accordingly. And, this….well. This is quite the process. It is amazing, daunting, freeing, exhilarating, and it can be more than a bit discouraging if I don’t give myself permission for this to be a process. The fact is, it is good news that it is a process! I couldn’t handle it all at once. But, it can also be discouraging if I focus on all the growing that is left to be done. However, when I learn to be okay with process, then instead of being overwhelmed at how far I have left to go, I trust the Lord with my journey. And thankfully, He is an expert at helping me to get to where I need to be! If I trust Him to lead me—and teach & correct & comfort me in the process—I end up with deep & lasting heart & life transformation. Since I don’t often have the capacity for this in multiple areas of my life at once, I instead trust that the Lord sees me & knows which things are important to address now & what things can be left on the “to do” list for a while longer. In trusting Him in this way, I’ve learned that His grace truly is sufficient! It is sufficient for the stretching & changing that must occur in the areas of current focus. And it is sufficient for the areas that are still on the list. In other words: it is sufficient for the ongoing journey—all of the parts of it.

And here’s the thing: If the Lord is okay with me being in process, who am I not to be? I would much rather do things His way & end up truly transformed, than do it on my own power, even if it appears to be be quicker. I’ve learned that my way only leads to superficial change. An outward cleanliness or order that attempts to mask the inner mess for the sake of comfort. When I try to control the process, I often works against the Lord’s ways & actually prevent the very change I am trying to attain. But, when I trust Him? The results are supernatural.

So, my challenge to you in this month of self-care: Choose to accept the process. You may not like it. It may take time for you to feel okay about it. But, recognize that doing this is actually trusting the Lord! This doesn’t mean you aren’t doing anything, by the way. You are simply not trying to do everything. First steps for this may be: Make a “to do” list. Maybe a couple of lists for different areas of your life. Then, choose what you think are the three most important items on it. Then, spend some time with the Lord & see if His list & His top three match yours. Then ask Him for wisdom & grace to help you to grow/accomplish/focus on those things.

A Month of Self-Care // Embracing the Process

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I like a clean & organized house. But, I like a clean & growing heart & home even more. I’ve learned that having a this requires being willing to embrace the messiness of process. So, self-care tip for today is to live by priorities that place people & process above comfort & cleanliness. It will both make the process more bearable & leave you better off in the long run. ❤️☺️

A Month of Self Care // Spiritual Care

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Spiritual care is the most important part of self-care. By a lot! So, why is it so often neglected? Maybe it’s because we make it more difficult than it has to be. This month, take some time each day to connect with the Lord in prayer, worship, reading the Word & even through other people. It doesn’t have to be long or complicated, just authentically engage your heart. ☺️❤️💚🎄

A Month of Self-Care

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There is a reason the holiday season is considered the best time of the year. Filled with twinkling lights, family traditions, & increased good will, this time of year can be truly magical. Except when it isn’t. Along with the increased cheer can come extra helpings of stress & loneliness. On top of that, the transition into a new year can amplify this as we examine our lives & begin to create plans & goals for the new year. The good news is that we were actually created to not just survive, but thrive in every season. So, stay connected throughout this month for practical tips, healthy values, and simple practices you can put into place in your life to help you to thrive—during the holiday season & beyond.🎄

Thanksgiving Tree Activity

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Tree Pic Color

Every year, our family does a “Thanksgiving Tree”. We create a tree and leaves out of paper, writing one thing we are thankful for on each leaf before we attach it to the tree. I like to do smaller trees that I can save to look back on in later years. However, you can also create large ones to hang on your wall, too. Below you will find a template one of my daughters created that you can use to create your own, too. Simply click on the link & print. (There is a color or B&W version.)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Tree-Color

Leaves-Color

Tree-B&W

Leaves B&W

 

Finding HOPE for Happily Ever After

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The past week or so, my husband & I had two arguments. Well, one wasn’t really an argument, but it was close. It was a misunderstanding—with feeling. 😅 It could’ve easily blown up, and at one time, it definitely would have. Instead, we shared out feelings & thoughts, genuinely listened to each other, came to an understanding that gave each other the benefit of the doubt, & then we went happily on with our day.

Several days later, we had an actual argument. It was real, but very brief. It didn’t take very many minutes before we stopped, apologized sincerely, forgave one another & happily went on with our day.

Both of these incidents were unremarkable. One of a billion that happen in married life. (Or any type of relationship that spans the test of time!) In fact, they would’ve been forgotten, except for one thing. I realized later how amazing it is that my husband & I now have unremarkable arguments. That wasn’t always the case. Sure, we love each other & have for a long time. But, differences in personalities & communication styles, not to mention our own immaturity, used to lead to some pretty explosive moments. We weren’t always equipped to behave with love & care, even when we genuinely wanted to.

I wish I could say that there was a simple secret that we learned that changed things overnight. But, that isn’t what happened. Instead it’s taken time, deliberate choices, learning healthy skills & growing in personal character. (In other words: it required work! Lots of work!) But, I can very truthfully say that I hardly recognize or remember those times because they feel so far removed from our present reality.

I’m so thankful that we stuck it out & did the work. I’m so thankful for God’s grace & mercy that covers us. I’m so thankful for my husband who truly is my best friend & love. He inspires me & brings great joy into my life. I’m so thankful for our family & the life we share. We are certainly not perfect & I know we will always need to continue to grow. But, I have joy now and great hope in our future.

I don’t know what your home life, marriage, or important relationships are like. But, I am sharing this because if yours is less than what you’d like it to be, I want you to know that there is hope! Great hope, even. Healthy, thriving relationships take work. Some more than others. But, the end result is so worth it. Your marriage is worth investing in. You may not be able to see it now, but down the road the result of what you put into it today will yield fruit far greater than what you can see. So, I want to encourage you to take heart & find some hope in our story.

Happily ever after doesn’t happen magically, but it does happen—and if it can happen for us, I know it can be the end of your story, too. So, take heart, my friends! I’ll be praying for you!

Much love,

Nik

Giving Children Roots // Tell Your Stories!

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When I was in sixth grade, we had an assignment to research our heritage. We were charged with the task of finding out where our ancestors had come from & report back, ready to share our newfound knowledge with the class. So, I went home and dutifully asked my parents the assigned questions. Some of what was shared included information I already knew: my maternal grandmother was Finnish & grandfather was German. But, I learned some new information about my dad’s side of the family. Part of that heritage came from a place called Croatia. This seemed very exotic to me, so I happily went to school ready to share. The problem arose when my teacher didn’t believe that Croatia was a real place. It was quite disappointing to sit through the celebration of the other students’ heritage, while mine was dismissed—or worse, apparently nonexistent.* Years later I would see a picture of Croatia and be stunned by its beauty—and climate. And, even though it may be a little silly, when I saw that picture it felt like a small piece of me made more sense. I thought, “Oh! That is why I am so drawn to places like that!”

Now, I don’t know how much my ancestral heritage has actually impacted me. My family has never especially celebrated or connected with our “roots” in that way. Sometimes I’ve wished that we did.  I’ve sometimes found myself jealous of those I know who seem to have such a strong sense of, and connection to, their culture & heritage. But, the truth of the matter is I do have a rich heritage. I come from a family that has its own traditions and habits. These things shaped my upbringing and shaped me. In fact, I have an amazing heritage! For example, among other things, my dad gave me the gift of sarcasm & my mom the gift of “letters”. (The ability to create letters from construction paper for a bulletin board or other similar things. Don’t ask. 😂) Perhaps more importantly, they have also given me the rich heritage of a family that sticks together. I have always known—throughout my entire life—the stability & security of a family that is committed to one another. I know I could call my parents with any type of need & they would do their best to help. And, not just my parents, but my extended family too. While I took this for granted in my younger days, I now realize it is a precious gift and many never experienced a heritage like this.

What is exciting to me about this is that now, as a parent, I get to create a connection between my children and their heritage. And even more, I get to create what kind of heritage their roots are connected to. I get to help create the traditions and habits of our home and family. I get to give my kids the security and stability that comes from being connected to a heritage that is bigger than themselves. One important way I do this is by passing on my stories. 

I tell my kids lots of stories. Memories from my life before they were around. Bits & pieces from our extended family heritage. Stories of them when they were younger. This may seem trivial, but the more children I have, the more I realize just how important this practice is. These stories aren’t merely entertainment. They are a practical way for me to create a sense of security in my children. The stories actually help them to know they aren’t on their own. Instead, they are connected to a community of people, a history, a culture. But, I don’t mean just mean the culture of other lands. I hardly mean that at all. Instead, I mean the culture of their family. This is who we are. Where we came from. What we do. Where we are going. And so on and so forth. 

And here’s some good news: Your story doesn’t have to be pretty or neat. It might be messy and hard. That’s okay! Nobody’s story is perfect. While I don’t share the all the details, and I make sure to stay age appropriate, my kids know that my/our story isn’t perfect either. I’m not afraid of them knowing this! (After all, they live with me. They already know it whether I’ve admitted it or not.) But, they also know the most important thing: that ours is a heritage of mercy, redemption, and love. 

I don’t know what your stories are like. I don’t know if your family tree is one you like to revisit or one that has caused you pain. But, I do know that the heritage you pass on to your kids is the one that you design. Yes, you may come from someplace, but only you can really determine what your story is. Your story may have shaped you, but it doesn’t determine your legacy. You do. And that, my friends, is what you will pass on to your kids—the stories of how you became who you are. In these stories they will also see themselves. This legacy, where you came from along with the reality you are creating for them now, will shape them more than you know. So, dust off the picture books, your box of keepsakes, & your memories themselves and start to tell your stories! You—and your kids—will be so glad you did. 

*My teacher can be at least partially excused. Croatia has a long & somewhat complicated history. At that time, it was a part of Yugoslavia, though it wouldn’t be too long until it would gain its independence again. (You can bet I felt a rather smug “I told you so” when Croatia was splashed across the news during the process of independence, hoping my teacher would see it and remember.) This same teacher also told me that Carmichael, CA wasn’t a real place & I must be confusing it with Carmel. I wasn’t & to this day each time I am in CA & see the exit signs to Carmichael I think of Mr.Xyz (not his real name). As a homeschooling mom, it comforts me to know that public school teachers aren’t perfect either. 😉

Fall Coloring Sheets

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Here are some fall coloring sheets my oldest daughter created. Print them off & enjoy!

P.S. It’s up to you whether you want to color them in traditional fall colors or create your own for a winter/fall scape. 😉

Girl with Pumpkin Coloring Page By: Eliana VanGelder

Girl with Pumpkin Coloring Page
By: Eliana VanGelder

Pumpkin Coloring Page By: Eliana VanGelder

Pumpkin Coloring Page
By: Eliana VanGelder

Embracing This Season with Joy

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I have a reputation that is not exactly winter friendly. Its true that I do carry a special place in my heart for sunshine. And warm ocean beaches. And Maui. Just for example. But, I actually do have a fondness for winter, too. After all, what compares to a white Christmas? (Though, now that I think about it, the two Christmases that I spent in warm climates were pretty awesome, too. But, that’s beside the point.) The point is, some of my favorite memories of family time both growing up and as an adult are when we are snowed in at home, cuddled together in front of a fire, watching movies, playing games, baking, etc. I love times like those.

But, here’s the thing: Winter belongs during winter! December through February! I’ll even give you the last week in November and the first week or so in March. But, that’s it. It doesn’t belong during fall. Or spring. (And certainly not during summer!!) If winter would just stay in its lane, we would get along famously. The problem is, it doesn’t. Instead, it is unpredictable. 

I like to be in control. Barring that, I at least want to be able to plan appropriately. I hate when my plans are interrupted unexpectedly. I hate when I am not able to control or even predict what will happen next. 

But, here’s the other thing: Control is always an illusion. Life can’t be controlled. It isn’t meant to be. The journey of life is how you grow and learn. The Lord uses our journey to bring us to places we never would have gotten to on our own, but also wouldn’t be ready for if it wasn’t for the preparation of the journey! Also, people can’t be controlled. Trying to control others is a sure recipe for disaster. I know of few things that bring estrangement so firmly. Even trying to control yourself is a fallacy unless it happens through genuine, inward change (of character, values, habits, and so on). 

The challenge is to learn to embrace each season with joy. To learn to be like the Apostle Paul—content in every season & circumstance. Winter isn’t really my problem. Not even when it happens during fall. The problem is when I allow the outward season to dictate my inward one. 

So, instead, I’m going to choose joy in every season—even the in-between ones.

I hope you are embracing this winter-fall with joy, too! 

Love, Nik 

Fall/Winter in full swing!

Fall/Winter in full swing!

The Power of Yes

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True Story: A child walked into our bedroom saying, “Hey! Can I…” trailing off as they looked up and noticed that it was me that they were talking to. They then inquired where their Dad was.

Can you guess why? I’ll give you a hint: It wasn’t because they were trying to plan some happy surprise for me. It was because they were looking for a yes and they knew exactly who they were most likely to get it from. Not me.

I don’t know what it is like in your family, but it isn’t uncommon for there to be one parent that is more likely to say yes—which obviously leaves one parent more likely to say no. Being the no person isn’t actually a bad thing. There are good reasons to say no! Kids need to be told no! (If you’ve ever been around a child that has never been told no, you know how true this is!) However, no one likes to be the one saying no all the time. And, while kids need to be told no, it is also important that they hear yes. Maybe even more often than they hear no.

But, how do you do that? After all, it is dangerous to backflip off the roof of the house onto the trampoline. Ice cream isn’t a good breakfast. And you can’t afford that pony. (Or whatever kinds of ridiculous things your children request.) How do you manage to not allow chaos to rein, but yet still be a “yes” person?

One key to being a “yes person” is to simply be present. Don’t be always trying to do something else. Kids are not efficient! They won’t add to your productivity. Your house will be messier and nosier. But, if done correctly, it will also be more fun and filled with love. Don’t miss the moments. Be present. You’ll be amazed at how doing so will help you to be more patient, more excited about your kids, and less worried about other things.

Tip: Put your phone out of reach and set a period of time to do nothing but engage with your kids. Preferably over a fun—and maybe messy—activity. If you need to, set a timer so you know you won’t miss your next meeting, getting dinner in the over, etc. That way you can fully engage without being distracted by time.

A second key to saying yes is to have well established boundaries. There don’t have to be a lot, but there should be clear and well established rules and rhythms of life in your home. It is okay to break a boundary occasionally—for example: staying up late on a special occasion or leaving the house a mess after a Friday night of family fun, etc.—if it is simply adding a layer of joy to an already peaceful household. However if you don’t have well established boundaries, then adding “extra yeses” will only feel unsafe because they are adding chaos to your home without the security that routine and rules bring. So, it may seem contrary, but to be a yes person, make sure you have well established boundaries within your home first.

Tip: Figure out what two or three rules are the most important for your kids to follow. Work to articulate them in a simple and clear way. Teach them to your children and explain to them what the consequences will be if they are not followed. Then, follow-through! Praise your kids when they do well with them. Gently correct them when they don’t. It’s amazing how clear and consistent rules can help to create stability and safety within a home. (An example: Don’t lie. It’s simple and clear, applies multiple ages, and will both instill good character and protect the relationships within your home.)

Lastly, learn to say these words, “Hmmm…that sounds fun. How about if we….” Even if you become an expert at saying yes, there will still be times you need to say no. A lot of times, probably. Sometimes its okay to just say no. (Maybe even adding a “Don’t be ridiculous!” or “Nice Try.” for an extra flourish.) But, when possible, try saying “What if you did xyz instead?” That gives an option of what they can do. This requires proactivity and ideas on your end. It means that there have to be some options that your kids will actually be excited about that are allowed.

Tip: Plan ahead. Have some craft supplies, games, books, baking supplies, activity ideas, etc. prepared to pull out at the appropriate time as a fun activity. These can be things for your child to do alone, but if they are activities you can join in, that’s even better! Hint: There are a lot of ideas on the internet for free, fun activities to do within your home with kids. So, if you feel stuck, simply start searching and making a list of the best ideas you find!

Being a parent is stressful. It requires a lot. There is no magic word that is going to change that. But, learning to say yes will make it more fun. Not only will your household engage in more fun activities, but you will be amazed at what it does to your relationship with your child, and what it does inside of you. Did you know that you were actually created more for yes than no? From the very beginning of creation, God created a vast world full of beauty and life. To be sure, there were boundaries—there was one giant “No!” in fact. But that wasn’t the focus then and it still isn’t now. Instead, though there are clear boundaries, life with Jesus is abundant and filled with adventure, fullness, and connection! This is what our homes can be like, too: safe, with clear boundaries, and filled with adventure, joy, and loving connection.