A Joy Filled Home

By Nicole VanGelder

The Key to Success

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Our family enjoys playing video games together. Each time we play, I have a lot of fun. However, my game play never seems to improve. I do know why though. It’s because I don’t know what I am doing! Usually my game plan is to simply push as many buttons as possible in random order hoping that the end result is favorable. As you might imagine, this does not usually end favorably for me. I should mention, that my kids have tried to teach me better strategy. However, I don’t play often enough—and I’m not patient enough—to put in the energy required to learn. Although I might try to follow their lead for a little while, by the next time we play, I tend to be right back where I started—with no clear game plan, hoping that if I just do enough, I’ll somehow succeed.

I have been able to live with this strategy when it comes to video games. However, it becomes more of a problem when it becomes a strategy for life. One place where it is especially easy for this to creep into my daily life is in homeschooling. With seven children currently in school and one busy toddler that is currently in everything else, it can be easy to lose sight of my “game plan”. In these times, I find that I end up simply trying to get “everything” done. We go from subject to subject, chore to chore, meal to meal—basically pushing all the buttons randomly, hoping that the end result is success.

The problem is that not only is this not the pathway to success, but in times like this, I lose sight of what success even looks like! And, it is impossible to be successful if you don’t even know what you are aiming at!

The good news is that there is a simple way to fix this problem. The key to being successful at homeschooling (and pretty much all areas of life) is: know your one most important thing. That’s it. Know the most important reason why you homeschool. Then, aim everything in that direction. It’s amazing how doing this helps everything fall into place!

For me, the most important reason that I homeschool is so that my family has engaged, heart-connected, growing, fun relationships with one another. With the busyness of our life and the demands of ministry, etc. this would be much more difficult to accomplish if our children were enrolled in public school. But, homeschooling allows us to structure our lives so that connection remains a top priority. Obviously, this isn’t the only important goal of homeschooling. I also want my kids to receive a solid education! And, I work hard to ensure that this happens. But, I’ve discovered that when our relationships are thriving, our learning tends to thrive, too. I’ve also learned that keeping my heart engaged with each one of my kids doesn’t always automatically happen. It’s easy to go through the motions and get everything done only to realize at the end of the day that my heart wasn’t fully engaged with any of it. I know that I would regret it if I made it to the end of my homeschooling years and didn’t have an authentic, loving, connected family. I believe that these years are foundational for that.

Now, I’m not saying that this should be the most important reason why you homeschool. I don’t know what your most important thing is. But, you should! If you haven’t take the time to consider this before,  here are some questions that can help you to discover your one thing:

  • Why did you start to homeschool in the first place?*
  • What do you most hope to have happen during this time? (In other words: what is your desired outcome?)
  • What would you most regret if it did/did not happen?

(*I recognize that some of you are homeschooling simply because of current circumstance. However, even if that is the case, hopefully you see that the Lord’s hand is in this time. He promises to bring good out of every circumstance. So, rather than see this as something that has been forced upon you, what if you see it as an opportunity? Why do you think you have been given this opportunity? What is this time an opportunity for?)

Once you have answered these questions, you can begin to plan your days with this as a guiding value. It isn’t that you don’t need to fit the other things in. But, you need to do it in a way that honors the most important thing, This will also help you to know if you are succeeding or not! At the end of the day, do you see the fruit of this value in your family? If so—success! And, if not, that’s okay because you can see it. And, once you see it, you can adjust accordingly. Which leads me to one last thing…

Once you know your most important thing, you need to actually make it your most important thing. That is to say, you need your actions to back it up. This will require proactivity and it may be necessary to let go of other things! One example from my life is that my value for connection means that I have to simplify. I have to let go of some of the homeschool side projects that I get ideas for. I am never short of ideas, but I am short of time. When I add too many side projects to my plate—even those that compliment our curriculum—I actually find myself connecting less with my kids because of the stress of trying to accomplish everything. Sometimes this value means that I have to let go of my (very real!) desire for a consistently clean and organized house. Sometimes, on very rare occasions, it means that I actually call off a regularly planned afternoon to go to the zoo or play games together, if I realize that I have been in “go mode” for some time at the cost of our connection.

Knowing my most important thing has been such a lifesaver for me! It has given me clarity and helped to guide and shape our days. Now when I stray from my game plan, it quickly becomes obvious and I can readjust the direction that I’m heading to get back on track.

So, I encourage you—if you don’t know your most important thing, take some time to process. Figure out what it is and let it be a guiding value as you go through out your days.

Marriage Math

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Marriage is a funny thing. It’s one place where math is superseded by greater reality: 1+1=1

The goal of marriage is for two people to become one person. This process is amazingly fun and filled with joy and wonder.  Two people completely committed to one another that join together in body and soul and life.  It is quite the journey—filled with love and sacrifice, laughter and amazement.  Nothing quite compares.  It is definitely one of God’s best creations.

However, part of the process can be a little bit messy.  Sometimes—like most math—even painful.  That is because, like everything, there’s a balance to it.  And sometimes it take a little while to learn the right balance.  And, it can take practice to stick to the equation, rather than trying to create your own.  The math of marriage is 1+1=1, not 1/2+1/2=1.  Not 1+1=2.  And so on and so forth.

You have to stick with the correct equation.  On the one hand, you can’t go into marriage not being a whole person and expect marriage to work. But on the other hand, you can’t going to marriage not needing someone else and expect the equation to work. Instead, marriage is supposed to be two people who are whole and healthy that aren’t lacking anything, yet learn to need one another. This need though, isn’t based in lack.

Let me see if I can explain. If you live your life always in lack, you will never know what it is to have enough. Some people call this a “Pauper Mentality”.   A pauper mentality is when you never feel like you have enough, so you see everything through the lens of what is lacking. (Marriages with paupers have the math equations like 1/2+1/2=1.) If you have a pauper mentality in marriage, no matter what, you will always feel lack in your marriage. You won’t feel loved enough or special enough or chosen enough. No matter what you’re spouse does, it won’t be enough. That’s because paupers have a vacuum inside that prevents them from ever feeling full (or satisfied).

However, it’s also possible to enter a marriage so independently minded, that you don’t need the other person for anything. This also is not healthy. (These marriages are represented by the 1+1=2 equation.)  How can you become one with another person that you don’t need? How can you grow in oneness with someone that remains simply an extra appendage. Almost like an appendix, your spouse is a part of you but one you don’t really need.  And, while it’s a little painful or dramatic to have it removed, you don’t really miss it after it’s gone, because you were never completely aware of it to start with. This isn’t how marriage is supposed to be.

Both of these types of marriages will lead to an unhealthy and painful home life. What marriage is supposed to be instead, is, two people that have enough coming together and learning how to love each other and live as one.

For example: I need my husband to love me. After all, he’s my husband.  I need his love to be tangible, to play itself out in action and words. It isn’t a weakness that I need those things. If I didn’t, what is the point?  Why bother being married at all?  However, I can’t be dependent upon my husband to be my source of love. I can’t be lacking love and coming him to fill that void. Instead I have to be healthy, knowing that I’m loved and worthy of love and so on and so forth.  Then that need that he’s filling in me isn’t one of desperation, but one created because of the covenant that I made with him.  It is a need not out of my weakness, but out of my strength.  And, it is the only way there is the possibility that my need will actually be able to be met.

Marriage math isn’t always easy. But, it is worth it.  Because the joy found when you get it right?  Incalculable!

Perfection Not Required

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It’s okay not to be perfect.  Parents, you need to hear this.  It is okay that you aren’t perfect.  It’s okay that you don’t always know what you are doing, that you make mistakes, that you don’t know all of the answers to all of the questions.

I remember when I first became a mom.  There was so much I didn’t know!  Thankfully, there are a lot of resources out there for first time parents to help them along.  So, I did all that I could to prepare and learn practical tips for life as a mom.  I also had friends and family that I could learn from.  And, I must confess, still I didn’t do everything right.

However, my son was a baby so the pressure to be perfect was small.  Obviously I needed to do the big things—like keeping him alive—well.  But, figuring out a schedule, learning the routines involved with life as a parent and so on and so forth—those I could kind of figure out as I went along without him being ever the wiser.

My son as a baby. Thankfully, he survived my imperfect parenting and is doing well as a tween. :)

My son as a baby. Thankfully, he survived my imperfect parenting and is doing well as a tween. :)

Now, though, the stakes are higher.  The kids are older—and there are more of them—so the memories will be stronger, the effects of mistakes perhaps larger.  Thankfully, I tend to learn from my mistakes so most of the mistakes I made when I first became a mom I don’t make anymore.  I’ve learned a thing or two.  I’ve developed some skills.  I’ve grown in understanding and wisdom when it comes to this parenting thing.

Unfortunately, I’ve discovered that there are always new mistakes to make!  And, I’ve come to know that each season of parenting requires a new set of wisdom.  One that is primarily gained through experience.  A strong value system is important because it guides your behavior and shapes your choices.  Growing in character is imperative as a parent because then you respond to circumstances with your child out of who you are rather than the situation around you.  And, it is important to never stop learning from the resources available to you—especially those around you that have done this parenting thing before you did and done it well.

However, it is often going through the experience and having to put it all in action that causes you to grow as a parent.  On the job training, if you will.  Without the training.

So, sometimes it is easy to feel as though you are failing.  Very few parents fail.  And, if you are worried that you are failing, chances are quite high that you are not.  Making mistakes isn’t failing.  It’s okay not to be perfect.  The key to successful parenting isn’t in being perfect.  It’s in being humble.

When you make a mistake, admit it.  Apologize.  Ask forgiveness.  When you don’t know the answer?  Say that and then do what you can to figure it out.  Kids don’t need perfect parents.  Kids need loving parents that are genuinely connected to them.  In fact, it is good for them to know that you don’t have everything figured out.  Why?  Because they don’t have everything figured out themselves.  Having a living example of someone who lives life well, if not perfectly, is important.   Seeing that there is a process when you screw up—taking responsibility for yourself, apologizing, making it right and learning from your mistake (etc.)—is great training for our children to grow up as responsible, healthy, and happy human beings.

Being a parent is a big responsibility.  Beyond that, it is a sacred trust.  A life (or two or three or eight, in my case) has been entrusted to us.  We are the only parents our child(ren) will ever get.  We owe it to them to do it well.  But, perfection?  Not necessary.  Not possible.  So, cut yourself some slack.  Chances are, you’re better at this than you think.

 

Love is Here

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Love is patient, love is kind.  It is not self-seeking.  It does not easily boast.  Now these three—faith, hope and love—remain, but the greatest of these is love.**

Even if you don’t spend a lot of time in the Bible, those words are probably familiar to you. They are poetic and beautiful.  These words are frequently celebrated at weddings, and written in beautiful script on pictures, etc.  The only problem is that sometimes when things are poetic and beautiful, we don’t bother to look beyond the surface of them.

I’ve been pondering these words lately.  And, to be honest, I haven’t always liked them.  I mean, wouldn’t it be easier if love wasn’t unreasonably impatient? If it was kind when that was the natural response to the situation?  Or if it only thought about itself about half the time?  I think I could be a lot better at love if that was the case.

The truth is that love is not easy.  And deciding you’re going to love doesn’t really make it easier. Meditating on these words, has helped me in choosing loving behavior. However, it has also highlighted my failures. This adds to my stress level and, quite frankly, makes it more difficult for me to be patient and kind. Quite a quandary, especially when you’ve decided that the most important thing you can do for your children is raise them in a house of love.

Thankfully, I’ve discovered something. Yes, love has to be intentional. It’s something you have to choose and something that you grow in. But, it is also much easier if you learn one thing:  Be in the moment.  Be fully present in whatever situation you find yourself in. Try to eliminate distractions.  This is not easy! But, the end result is so worth it.

I, like all of you, have a lot going on in my life.  As a result, my life is constant multi-tasking.  And, as a mom, you often can’t get away from that.  Making dinner, doing laundry, helping with homework, referring between children, checking your e-mail—all at the same time.  Sound familiar?  There are simply tasks that need to be done and not enough time to do them. How easy in those moments is it to be patient?  To be kind?  If you are at all like me, those are the moments that you find yourself losing patience.  Being decidedly unloving.  And this is actually good news!

It is good news because it means that it isn’t that I am a terrible person or have some fatal character flaw.  It is just that I’ve been putting an undue amount of pressure on myself.  Perhaps you have also.  (I know this because it is a way of life in America.)  When I stop, take a deep breath, and immerse myself in only what is in front of me—wow.  Life changes!  I change.  I suddenly have the time to really connect with the moment.  To connect with the little one in front of me.

You see, when I am taking the time to look in my daughter’s eyes, I can’t help but be patient and kind.  Because I love her! When I take the time to sit still and look at my husband without thinking through the 75 things I need to do, I stop thinking about myself because I love him!

Raising my kids in a house of love means raising them in a home where I am present.  Not always distracted by my phone or my to do list.  It means things like this: Instead of simply making sure dinner gets made, I engage them in the process with me.  It takes longer, it is messier, and I certainly can’t multi-task, but I have actually spent my time doing that which is most important.

Love is patient.  Love is kind.  Love is here.

**Note: The above is just a few phrases taken out of  1 Corinthians 13.  I highly recommend you make the effort to read through the entire passage and meditate on it and see what fruit results!

Seeing the Gold

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This last week was especially busy around our home with some extra projects at work and at home on top of our regular schedule.  My kids spent many long hours with me at work, and also put in some extra effort at home.  They did great!  I’m really proud of them.

However, I didn’t do quite as well.  There is one reason I say this—I spent more time instructing and correcting than I did encouraging.  With so much to do I was constantly moving from one task to the next, thinking about what was left that needed to be accomplished.  It left me distracted and not fully engaged in what I was doing.  As a result, I was more focused on the what than the who.

Don’t misunderstand, it was a good week.  It wasn’t that I was losing my temper or that there was conflict in our home.  (At least, not more than the usual small conflicts that erupt with six children.)  Also, I do understand that much of my role as a parent is instructing and correcting.  But, did you know that there are different ways to do that?

The way that has proven most fruitful—almost counter intuitively—is by “calling out the gold” in my children.  This way is a lot more fun, but it takes more intentionality and patience.  Let me give you some examples of what I mean:

When your child is struggling with something, say being bossy, instead of simply telling them not to be so bossy and correcting their behavior, you call out the good.  “I can see that you are quite a leader.  You were born that way.  That is really, really good.  We are so blessed to have a leader like you in our family.”

Then you begin to shape the value behind the gold.  For example:  “There are many different ways that people lead.  Some lead by force.  Why do you think they do that?  When might that be necessary?  How do you think the people they lead feel about them?  How do others lead?  What is good about the way they lead?  How did Jesus lead?  How does He lead us? “ And so on.

The idea is that you are correcting behavior, but teaching them a value system to sustain the correct behavior.  You are seeing the potential within them and making sure they know that you see it, too.  This is much more effective (and less painful for your relationship) than simply brining correction.

I was thinking about all of this as I was driving into church on Saturday night.  I was repenting and praying for grace to be released to both me and my children—especially my two oldest who had received the most of my correction.

Later that night, the Lord answered my prayers in a miraculous way!  We had a special guest speaker on Saturday night.  At the end, as she was doing ministry, she prayed over both of my oldest children.  And, she addressed (in a positive way!) a few of the very things I had been correcting.  For example, she told one child how good he/she was with children.  That week I had been correcting harshness with that one in regards to how they speak to their younger sisters.  Do you know what the result has been?  A joy and gentleness in dealing with their younger sisters.  It has been amazing the change.  I’ve been able to continue to speak those encouraging words over them and the fruit has been quite remarkable.

Not only has it called out the “gold” in my children, but it has refocused my eyes.  I have found much delight as I have looked at my family and recognized their greatness.  The unique things about each one of them.  The beautiful way that the Lord hand-crafted each one.  It has brought me so much joy to think that these precious ones are mine—to love and encourage and help blossom.  Wow!  I am blessed, indeed!

The very thing I had recognized on my drive that night happened.  How amazing is that? It has restored a higher level of life and joy—and better behavior—to our home.  On top of that, it was such a gift from the Lord that instead of simply correcting me and bringing shame or condemnation to me, He released grace.  He answered my prayer and brought just what was needed at just the right moment.  He is such a good Father!  He showed me, by His own example, how a loving parent behaves.  I’m so thankful when He looks at me He sees the good and calls me higher.  My home is thankful, too.

What about you?  Are you seeing the gold around you?  (Sometimes it can be a little hidden, so you have to train your eyes to see it.)  If you haven’t been doing this, I encourage you to try it.  You may be surprised by the joy and peace—and behavior—that results.  :)

 

Rules to Live By

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Life as a wife and mother can be tricky.  There is a lot going on and much of it is uncharted territory.  There is no “on the job training”.  You have to learn as you go.  Sometimes the right answer to particular problem or circumstance seems elusive.

It can be easy to feel like you are in over your head or to second guess how you chose to handle certain situations.  And, nobody gets through without making at least some mistakes.  You can already tell this is going to be a pretty encouraging blog post, huh?  😉

Actually, it is.  Because while the above is all true, I have discovered a “secret” that helps make life go much more smoothly, guides you when you don’t know what to do and prevents you from having regrets.  (It isn’t that you won’t make mistakes, its that they won’t be too costly.)  This “secret” is simple: “Rules to Live By”.

In our day there has been such an emphasis on grace and freedom that the word “rules” may sound dirty to some.  If that is you, don’t worry.  I’m not talking about rules that control and restrict you or your family.  (After all, the absence of rules can be just as restricting and scary as an overabundance of them!)  I’m talking about simple rules that will guide you when you have decisions to make, when life throws you a curve ball, and even in simply planning out your day.

They don’t have to be posted on your walls or even verbally spoken to your spouse or children.  (Although, you may want to do those things too.)  But, they should be consistently remembered and enforced.  They should be what help to set the tone and structure of your home and the relationships in it.

What are these magical rules?  I can’t tell you that.  They are different for each home.  After all, my marriage isn’t going to look like yours.  My kids are not the same as yours.  But, I can give you some examples of rules I live by:

  1. Say “I love you” a lot.  Add “I like you to it” often too.  I think that it is important for my husband and children to know that I love them.  Always.  Good days or bad days.  Those words are spoken a lot around here.  I like adding the “I like you” to it, because sometimes love can feel like an obligation in family, like you can love someone without really liking them.  My family is made up of my favorite people in the world.  Seriously.  I want to make sure they know that.
  2. Be quick to apologize.  The truth is, I am not perfect.  (I know that comes as a shock to those of you that know me.)  I am still growing in the character and likeness of Jesus.  I don’t always act like Him.  So, I make sure that as soon as I realize a mistake–no matter if it is an error in judgement or a “I thought this was the right thing to do and now realize it wasn’t” type of moment, I say sorry.  This doesn’t always feel good, by the way.  But the fruit of it in my home is unmistakable.
  3. Keep “Family Day” family day.  Life is busy and it doesn’t seem to be headed in towards a slow down anytime soon.  That is okay, though, because there are times built in to our life that help to keep the important things important.  While we have things like family meals built into our days, we also have a weekly “family day” that is set aside to connect as a family.  Usually we go and do something together–for example, yesterday we went to Minnehaha Falls and walked around on the trails, pausing to dip our toes into the ridiculously cold water–but sometimes we simply stay home and work on a project together.  But, either way, the point is family connection. We guard these days and rarely allow anything to interfere with them and as a result, they have been a lifeline of connection and relational growth within our family.

Those are some examples of rules that I live by.  They may have struck a chord in you, or they may not sound at all like they are something you need.  That’s okay.  The point isn’t in each marriage or home operating by the same rules.  And, it certainly isn’t in having lists of rules you strive to live by each day.  The point is simply to have some (often unspoken) “rules” that guide behavior and give a structure that helps maintain the value system and atmosphere that you desire in your home.

Rather than restrict, rules like this bring safety and allow life to flourish.  I shared some of my rules.  What rules do you live by?

 

Parenting is a Marathon!

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A few of my daughters love for me to do their hair.  Poor boys–with six ladies in the house, they are quite outnumbered and it is reflected in the way that barrettes and hair ties and nail polish, etc. have taken over our two bathrooms.  It can be quite the production for us all to get ready in the morning!

But, here’s the thing.  A couple of those same daughters that so love for me to do their hair?  They don’t keep their hair done.  Instead, it is done in one moment, and then undone the next.  This may be because their hair just couldn’t keep up with their lifestyle.  But, it is also often simply because they purposely undid whatever it was that they had just asked me to do.

This, my friends, is parenting in a nutshell.  Doing the same thing over and over, while very often seeing whatever it was that you just accomplished being undone right before your eyes. Aghhh!  (If my hair ever looks undone, it may be because I was just banging my head against the wall.)  😉

Do the dishes.  Again.  And then again.  Cook food over and over.  And laundry?  Don’t even get me started!  Those are the things involved what can be the daily monotony of parenting.  Beyond those things, though, are the more “serious” issues like having to teach your child the same lesson over and over and over again.  And teaching values that they seem to understand in one moment and completely violate in the next.

The reason for this is simple:  Parenting is a marathon.  Not a sprint.  (Most of life is like this actually.  It just sometimes can be more easily seen in our homes.)  And that isn’t a bad thing!  But, you have to have the correct mindset or you will grow frustrated by the distance, rather than finding your grove.

Children are “in process”–just as we are.  And, isn’t that a good thing?  Nobody that I know wants their children to grow up overnight.  In fact, most often we feel as though they grow up too fast.  That is why it is important that we don’t waste their youth lamenting their process.  Why we must embrace the journey and enjoy each mile, rather than straining our eyes constantly for the finish line.

Once we do that, we accept the parts of the journey that can be monotonous, because of the joy the rest of the journey contains.  Sometimes I wonder why I am taking the time to do the hair of a little one who is just going to turn around and undo my hard work in mere moments.  Then I realize, “Wow.  I get to do her hair.” and it becomes almost a holy moment, because I know that these days are fleeting.  Soon I will be leaving this leg of the race for the next and the opportunities that this part contains will be behind me.  (Thankfully the next part has “holy moments” all its own!)

Jamey and I were once at a church where the Pastor and his wife did endurance sports–marathons, an iron man and even an ultra-marathon.  This makes perfect sense to me now.  The reason is because they had eight children.  What could be better training for endurance sports than that?

I don’t know that any endurance sports are in the cards for me in the future.  But, I do know that being a mom has strengthened me.  It has trained me to be able to endure in other areas of life.  I am so thankful for that.

Mostly, however, I am thankful that I was chosen as the one who gets to be on this amazing journey with my kids.  It may be grueling at times, but it is so worth it.  It is filled with such joy if I will only choose to see it.  I think I may even hit my stride soon.  Then, watch out!  My hair may be undone, but here I come!  😉

Get in the Picture!

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I was blessed to grow up in a home where there was not a lot of emphasis on weight.  I didn’t realize until later how freeing that was to me.  While weight did become an issue for many of the girls in my High School as I grew older–with a close friend even developing anorexia–it wasn’t really something that ever got a hold on me.  The combination of the freedom in my home and seeing first hand the destructive effects of such an unhealthy obsession on weight and food helped me to avoid some pitfalls that many girls/women fall into.

However, it wasn’t that I didn’t have any insecurities surrounding my appearance.  And when I became a mom for the first time, I quickly realized how easy it would be to go down a road that would not lead to a similar free environment for my children.  You see, when Jamey and I lived in Germany I worked out once–and often twice–a day.  The reason for this was because we would ride together to the Air Base Jamey was stationed at and my work day was much shorter than his.  So, I would often end up at the gym before I began work simply because there was a lack of other options.  Then, Jamey would hit the gym after he was done with work and so I would be there again.  My lack of passion in the gym prevented me from being anything more than moderately fit, but I never had trouble fitting into my clothes.  Then, we moved to North Carolina and my gym routine was gone.  My pregnancy had physical restrictions attached to it for various reasons and, let’s just say, by the time it was over I didn’t exactly pop right back into my jeans.  So, I was faced with a decision.  Did I diet and strive to get back in to them as soon as possible?  I was a little afraid of that choice.  Not only because I didn’t want to go through the pain of dieting, but because I knew how quickly that could become an absolute focus of mine.  (I tend to me a little “all or nothing”.)  I also realized that if we were going to have more children–which, I assumed correctly, we were–then this would begin a cycle of dieting without any foreseeable end.  And I realized how quickly that could become a lesson to my children.  One that I did not want to teach them.  So, I made a rule for myself–no dieting.

(Please understand, I’m not saying there is anything wrong with dieting in and of itself.  Often it can be done in a healthy way and especially if there are health concerns, it may need to be done.  In the interest of being transparent, I’ll share that I’m even contemplating breaking my rule a little after this last pregnancy so I can wear a few of those summer dresses in my closet before the fleeting summer passes by. We’ll see.)  What I am saying is that I made the choice that I didn’t want my home to be an environment where food or appearance would be a focus and I am very happy that I did.  It has created an environment of freedom and acceptance that I am very pleased with.

However, I soon realized that my “no dieting” rule was simply the first step.  The second step was actually accepting myself as my weight would go up and down through out the years during my various pregnancies. (Not to mention the other changes that happened to my body and appearance.)  If I didn’t diet, but remained critical of how I looked or was constantly showing insecurity in what I looked like or who I was, what would be the point of not dieting in the first place?  So, I challenged myself to accept myself the same way I was accepting my children.

One practical way I did this was that I stopped shying away from being in pictures.  I also stopped being critical of the picture after it was taken.  No snide comments or censoring the pictures to allow only the ones I approved of.  And, this was so freeing!  It has allowed me to simply enjoy myself and the moments I have with my family–without the worry, burden and distraction of worrying about how I look.  It has also created a healthy environment in our home.  It isn’t that appearance isn’t an issue in our home.  With five daughters, it is.  But it isn’t a negative issue.  Instead, in our home appearance is celebrated!  (We are a home filled with girls who love our fashion and glamour!)

Unfortunately, I can’t say that my kids have never been exposed to the issues that can be so prevalent in our society in regards to weight and appearance.  One of my daughters has a friend who was worried about being “fat” at a very young age.  It broke my heart to hear my daughter begin to process some of the things she had heard come out of her friend’s mouth.  But, I soon realized that though raising my kids with a value system that is enforced by the actual atmosphere of our home wouldn’t prevent these issues from entering their lives, it will prevent them from gaining a foothold.  As with so many other issues in parenting, it isn’t about sheltering your children from the world, but it is about preparing them for it so that they won’t be molded by it.

The thing is, this all starts with me accepting myself.  And beyond mere acceptance,  actually liking myself.  How can I teach my kids to genuinely feel good about who they are if I can’t do it authentically myself?  Enjoying the beauty and individuality of each of my kids has truly helped me to appreciate the unique beauty that I carry.  I can’t say that I don’t have days when I feel…frumpy or like I am already showing too many signs of the aging process.  But, this value system prevents me from dwelling there too long.  I’ve also discovered that when I am less critical of myself I am much less critical of others.  And, I am much more fun to be around!  I am able to be “in the moment” more fully.  I am also able to recognize and celebrate beauty in the people and world around me much more easily.  Learning to love–and actually like–myself has turned out to be one of the greatest gifts I could give to my kids.  And, myself.  :)

MeNEllie

 

Wisdom, Grace & Mercy

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I am still waiting for my parenting handbook to arrive.  Apparently its been lost in the mail–for eleven years now.  In the meantime, I’m left having to navigate the tricky waters of parenthood without instructions.  Thankfully, I have learned a lot from Biblical principles, the examples of others, and experience.  However, there are still times when I am left wondering, “What do I do now?”  That is when I say a quick prayer for wisdom.  And, often, wisdom will come. A divine delivery arrives from heaven and I will have a creative idea or understanding of a value/principle that needs to be applied.  I love those moments!  I feel a little bit like Super-Mom in them.  Until, of course the next moment comes when I am in need of wisdom.

But, sometimes, I don’t receive the needed wisdom in those moments.  Maybe it is because I didn’t even take the time to ask.  Other times, I just am lacking understanding. I can see different courses of action, but am unsure as to which is the best one to take.  So, I have to simply choose and hope that I am choosing well.  The good news is that in those moments, I can rely on grace.  This is such a relief!  I don’t have to be perfect, because the Lord’s grace covers me–and my children.  What a gift.  The trick of grace, though, is this–it is only accessible when the demand for perfection is absent.  What I mean is, as soon as I demand perfection from myself or my family, grace is no longer welcome.  But, when I recognize that we are all on a journey, doing the best we can, grace is invited and welcome.  Sometimes I will make mistakes.  Sometimes my kids will.  (Sometimes, although rarely, even my spouse will!)  😉  But, that is okay.  Because grace covers us and allows us to navigate those moments–even moments when we choose poorly–together, with love and care for one another.  This allows us to come out of those moments better off.  Not only have our relationships remained intact, but we’ve gained some well earned wisdom for next time!

However, I’ve found that wisdom and grace aren’t quite enough to sustain a house of peace, love and joy.  There is something else that often needs to be added to the mix–mercy.  I am so very, very thankful for mercy.  Sometimes I am in a situation where I don’t know what to do so I do the best I can in the moment.  It is only in hindsight that I can clearly see that I made an error in judgement.  Other times, I know what I should do, but I don’t do it.  I don’t behave according to the value system that guides my life and my home.  For example: I don’t react with patience or I try to control my children rather than teach them, etc.  In those times, it is easy to have guilt and regret.  But, guilt and regret can actually add more damage to a situation.  It brings shame and paralyzes you from making good choices in the future.  What brings healing, relief and life in those moments?  Mercy.  First, receiving it for myself.  Then, releasing in over my home and my kids.  (This often comes in the form of an apology, by the way!)  Once mercy has been received, there is a new start.  A fresh beginning.  A chance to make the right choice.  Who doesn’t need that sometimes?  Not only do I desperately need that as a parent, but what a great example for my kids.  Not only do they not have to be perfect, but they see that even though they don’t make the correct choice at first, they don’t lose the opportunity to do the right thing later.  Mercy is a great thing to have in abundance in your home.

Wisdom, grace and mercy.  These are the things I find myself asking for most often.  Thankfully, they are available in unlimited supply, if only we will ask.  :)

Heart Connection

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I had caught my child in a lie.  The only thing was, I couldn’t prove it.  I was frustrated and saddened, and not quite sure of the right way to proceed.  I was contemplating different discipline options as I dialed my husband’s number.  When Jamey answered the phone, I filled him in on what happened. I shared my disappointment over the unfortunate turn of events–and, I’m sure, my concern over what this meant.  (For example: How could my child do such a thing?  Why would they lie to me?  How would they be able to sleep at night?  And, if they could, was that because they were already a hardened criminal and somehow I had been unaware?  Was the next step going to be visiting them in jail?  I’m sure my emotional reaction was not at all greater than the circumstances warranted.)

My husband, however, did not respond the way I anticipated.  Instead of offering his choice for discipline, he said something about how we needed to choose to protect our relationship with our child.  He pointed out that while I may be right, I really didn’t know for sure that our child had lied.  What if I accused them and I was wrong?  What kind of damage would that do?  He advised me to leave it alone, and instead, to protect my heart connection with my child.

I have to be honest, even though I knew he was right, I wasn’t completely comfortable with it.  This did not sit well with my inner “justice meter”.  After all, it is important that my children are honest.  However, as I was wrestling through my emotional response, I remembered something:  A time I was wrongly accused of doing something that I hadn’t done.  It was extremely hurtful and caused much damage in that relationship.

Thankfully, my husband had wisely advised me to avoid a course of action that may have caused a similar wound in my relationship with my child.  And, as time has passed, I have understood more clearly how important it is to make protecting my “heart connection” with my children one of my top priorities.  While the ties that bind our hearts are amazingly strong, they can also be fragile.  And, they aren’t as easy to “retie” as they are to protect.

Please understand, it isn’t that we don’t have a value for integrity in our home.  We place high value on it.  But, valuing integrity doesn’t have to replace a value for relationship.  It isn’t healthy when a parent-child relationship is modeled after “friendship”.  But, it is also not healthy when it is void of genuine love and affection for one another.  Instead, a healthy parent-child relationship is one where there is high value given to training and relationship; teaching and fun; correction and unmerited belief in one another.  And so on.

It is also important to recognize that training our children is not something that happens in a day.  Rather, it is something that happens over the course of our days.  (And, it is something that is much more easily accomplished when our hearts stay connected!)  While it may not be comfortable, this means it is best to have a child that grows to be a person of character because you have always believed and treated them to be one.  That it is best to have a child that comes to you with their confessions because they have grown to care about your heart connection and are acting to protect it.  That it  is best to have a home that operates in faith and hope and love, rather than one that reacts in fear.

Daddy&AuroraEdited

Unfortunately, my children are not perfect.  They make mistakes.  Sometimes they choose to do the wrong thing.  Sometimes I catch them, and sometimes they come to me all on their own.  While I am exceedingly proud of each one, our home is definitely a work in progress.  But, that is okay, because our hearts have stayed connected in the process.  It is in that connection we will find the strength we will need to become who we are supposed to be.

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