A Joy Filled Home

By Nicole VanGelder

Are You a Natural?

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I have a confession to make:  I don’t speak “baby” as well as I should.  Our two year old–who, I know, may not technically be a baby anymore–was talking to me the other day and I kept having to look over to Jamey for the translation.  We both laughed about it, commenting about how it would seem that I would be better at this by the time number six came around.  (Maybe I’ll finally get it with number seven?)

The truth is, while I have definitely grown in comfort, confidence and skills as a mother over the years, there are still parts of it that don’t exactly come naturally.  The good news is that being a “natural” mom isn’t a prerequisite for being a mom.  It isn’t even a prerequisite for being a great mom!  Learning that has brought great comfort to me.

Most of us know at least one person who seems to have been born to be a mom.  “Momness” oozes from every pore.  They always seem calm, cool and collected–never tired, impatient, or out of great ideas to fill their children’s days with bliss.  I have a friend like that.  And, I really admire her and sincerely have nothing but positive things to say about her.  But, I will admit, sometimes being around her makes me feel tired.  Maybe you’ve experienced that before?  I realize, however, that I only feel tired around her when I think that my expression of motherhood should look like hers.  I love to get inspiration and ideas from her, but trying to be like her?  Not a good fit for me.

What I realize, however, is that it is not a good fit for my kids either.  The parts of motherhood that do not come “naturally” to me, are not really essential parts of motherhood.  Instead, they are images I’ve picked up over the years of what the ideal mom looks like.  And, I don’t need to be the image of the ideal universal mom.  What I need to be is what I am–the ideal mom for my kids.  My kids were given to me.  The Lord entrusted His precious little ones to me.  If He trusts me, shouldn’t I trust myself?

This doesn’t mean that I don’t need to be purposeful in motherhood.  That is, I do need to make it a top priority of my life.  I need to be intentional in growing in relationship with them.  I need to be creative and consistent in providing them a home of safety and love.  I need to put forth the time and effort to train them and give them the skills and values they need to live happy and successful lives.  And, that isn’t always easy.  But, it is a task I am up to.

I don’t need to be the “ideal” mom.  I don’t need motherhood to come naturally.  I simply need to devote myself to loving my kids well and trust the Lord’s grace to cover my weaknesses.  I will continue to learn and grow as the years pass, but those things that never seem to come easily?  I have confidence that my kids will survive–and even thrive–without them.

Josiah & !

What’s in a Name?

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Camping in the Rain PatchBefore Jamey and I had children, I vaguely remember us doing fun things together.  😉  One time, we went and camped out at a music festival for several days.  This wasn’t one of those fun times.  Just Kidding. Mostly.  The problem was that it was cold and rainy and dirty.  And, you may not know this about me, but I don’t like cold.

And, I do like to shower.  Regularly.  (As I’m writing this I am seeing that most of my camping experiences have a common thread through them…)  Anyway, during this particular experience, most of the people we were with went home at least once to shower and warm up a little bit since we weren’t terribly far from where we lived at the time.  Jamey was of the mind that we didn’t have to follow suit.  After all, he proclaimed, “We are VanGelders and VanGelders are tough!”  I tried to convince him that I wasn’t tough because I wasn’t a VanGelder by blood, after all.  I only had the name through marriage.  But, it apparently wasn’t a persuasive argument because we never did go home.  However, I did survive.  And, while I really enjoyed when the festival was over and we finally got to return home, it was with a sense of pride.  I had survived.  Maybe I did have some of that toughness, afterall.

Since that day, much has changed.  For example, our camping tends to be in the yard now.  But, I am also am more sure about what it means to be a VanGelder.  That is because Jamey and I have been defining it for 16 years now.  We have values that govern our lives.  Some of them are “big” and some seem “small”.  But they are equally important in determining what it means to be a “VanGelder” (at least in our home).  We teach them to our children and I tell them, “We are VanGelders.  And that is what VanGelders do.”  I know that each child is different and has an individual identity, too.  However, there is an overarching identity to our family.  This identity is one that, I will admit, carries responsibility.  However, responsibility is not a bad thing.  It brings with it safety and freedom and a place of belonging.  It says, “This is my family.  The boundaries are clear.  I am a part of it.  I belong here.”  It teaches values that flow down into behavior choices.

It also gives my children the freedom to be different from the people around them.  I understand that the way we do things won’t be the same as the way other families do things.  I don’t want my children to be threatened by that, or to demand that others do things the way we do.  Understanding that this is the standard for our home gives freedom for other homes to have other standards.  We don’t need to judge the way someone else does things.  They aren’t the VanGelders.  They don’t have to live like us.

There is power in a name.  It can become whatever you make it.  So, I ask you–what’s in your name?

Creating Your Family Heritage

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PancakesOur family has a lot of traditions.  We eat homemade Christmas rolls on Christmas morning.  We go to Duluth and Gooseberry Falls every year.  We go to the same Apple Orchard each year and pick apples.  We have a special Star Wars shaped pancake breakfast on the first day of school.  (Although, we have also added smiley face ones now too.)Continue Reading

Family Heritage

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I have been married for almost half my life. The days before I was married feel as thought they were another lifetime.  Though I vaguely remember this “Nicole Cook” character, my memory of her has grown hazy.  No matter how hazy my memories though, the kids love to hear about those days.  They love to hear about my growing up days, their dad’s growing up days,Continue Reading

Let’s Celebrate!

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As I’ve mentioned in the last few blog posts, our home does not run on fairness and we do believe in favorites.  (If you haven’t read them, please do so in order to understand that statement in its correct context.)  Our home is definitely better because of those values.  However, there is one value that has to be present in order for this environment to be healthy and happy for everyone. Continue Reading

“It’s not fair!”

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“But it’s not fair!”

How many parents have heard this cry?  Let’s be honest, how many of us have made this cry?  Many of us were raised with the notion that everything was supposed to be fair. And, it seems right.  After all, everyone is valuable.  Why should someone be treated better than everyone else?  Fairness seems to be what compassionate people should aspire to.  There is only one problem with it. Continue Reading

Seize the Season!

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Jamey and I spent three years living in Germany.  I am very thankful for that time.  We got to taste life in Europe and meet some really incredible people.  It was a great season of our life.  However, it was also one of the lowest.  That was where we went through the most difficult days of our marriage andContinue Reading

The Illusion of Control

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On our last family day, we went to Minnehaha Falls and rented a pedal car (or surrey). It was so much fun.  I laughed a lot.  This wasn’t necessarily a good thing, as it is hard to pedal when you are laughing!  And, let’s just say that our kids aren’t quite at the age to really pull their weight yet.Continue Reading

Messes

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Mom confession: I hate messes. I don’t like living in them, and I really don’t enjoy cleaning them up.  It’s one thing if I’m only having to deal with my messes–those can be bad enough.  But, at least I had the joy of creating it.  (Or, the lack of foresight.  Either way, clearly my responsibility.)  The problem is, life is full of messes.  Actually, not just full of messes, but very often, better because of them.

Therefore, we have a rule in our home: “It’s okay to make messes.  You just need to clean them up.”  My children definitely have the first part down.  They are all okay with making messes.  (We are still working at the cleaning up part.)  And, although I still hate messes, I do know that life really is better because of them.  It is more fun.  There is more freedom and laughter.  Things don’t always look as good, but they feel better.  After all, it’s hard to create a masterpiece without making a mess in the process!  And, what joyful discovery doesn’t involve a few hairs out of place and smudges on your clothes?

Aurora Chocolate2

Something I have learned, as I have repeated the rule through the years (sometimes for the sake of the children, and sometimes to remind myself “Messes are okay.  Messes are okay…”) is that this may be one of the most important lessons I teach my children.  Here’s why:  Life is full of messes.  Of all forms.  Being okay with messes is a good life skill to have.  Being patient with yourself and others during those “messy” periods of life  is important.  The truth is, you won’t always have it all together.  And neither will the people around you.  During those times a little patience, mercy and grace can go a long way.  Avoiding messes out of discomfort can cause you to miss out on some of the best parts of life.

It is important to not lose sight of the second part of the rule, however.  It’s okay to make messes, but not to live a life with messes as your standard.  That is to say, you don’t want to be comfortable constantly living in messes.  God created you for more than that.

People make messes, most of which are unintentional.  When that happens, don’t be paralyzed by the mess!  Take responsibility for it.  Clean it up.  (This often requires humility, by the way.)  Facing a mess can feel overwhelming and takes courage, but you always walk away better for it–your conscious clear and your heart light.

I’m glad my home is a safe place for messes.  I’m better because of it.

The Choice of Love

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I “fell in love” with my husband while I was only a teenager.  I actually remember the moment quite clearly.  I have known my husband all my life pretty much and we were very good friends for quite a while before we ever actually dated. (This is not counting a brief period of time in Jr. High that we were “going out”, but never actually went anywhere.  But, that is story for another day.)  During High School Jamey wasn’t exactly a serial dater.  It wasn’t that he couldn’t have been, he just was more interested in snowboarding, football, etc.  Since we were such good friends, it wasn’t uncommon for girls that liked him to approach me to see if I could arrange for them to get a date with Jamey.

One day I was in the car with three of my girlfriends and the conversation turned to boys.  One of them started talking about how cute Jamey was.  Everyone readily agreed and I had this shocking moment where I found myself agreeing too.  This had never happened before!  It wan’t that I had ever found anything unappealing about Jamey, he had just always been my friend.  I never thought about him any other way.  In fact, I had always been a bit perplexed by the way some of the girls seemed to swoon over him, if I am to be honest.  And here I was suddenly realizing that I was…gulp…becoming one of those girls!

Shortly after that we started dating, and while it wasn’t completely smooth sailing from that moment on, we married just a couple years after graduation and are well into our “happily ever after”.  And, the truth is that I am still quite attracted to him and he is still my best friend.  He makes me laugh; he has a kind heart; he pushes me to experience new things that I would never try on my own and end up loving; he is the most loving father I have ever seen; he is strong and courageous and totally authentic; I could go on, but you get the point.  In short, I love him.

J&! Collage

Except, I have a confession to make.  Sometimes I don’t feel like I am “in love”.  Don’t get me wrong, I always love him, but that tingling feeling that makes you weak in the knees?  That hasn’t lasted through every moment together over the years.  Even that, “How did I get so amazingly lucky to be married to such a wonderful man?” feeling?  That has come and gone too.  Don’t misunderstand, I always know it to be true.  I just don’t always feel it.

Which is why I have good news.  It is this:  love is a choice.  It isn’t that love dose not include feelings.  It is just that it doesn’t start there.  Choose love and the feelings will follow.  This is good news, because then on the days when you haven’t had enough sleep and you aren’t seeing the world clearly, you can still love your husband!  This is good news because the longer you are married the better you will get at love.  I think love is like a muscle that you develop over time.  The deepest and richest and strongest loves are those that have been built by consciously and continuously choosing love in all kinds of circumstances.

This is good news because the longer Jamey and I have been married the more we realize that each year just keeps getting better and we can look forward to it continuing to get better.  How is that possible?  Because we are getting better at love.

Do you want to know what it looks like to choose love?  Look at 1 Corinthians 13, for a start.  I know, its that famous “love” chapter that people read at weddings but have heard so many times that it seems like a fancy poem written simply for romantic moments.  But, it isn’t.  It isn’t actually written for the context of marriage at all.  But, it certainly fits.

What would happen if you chose today to be patient with your spouse?  What if you chose to on purpose be kind?  What if you weren’t easily angered, but instead forgave quickly and freely?  What if you put their interests before yours?

I know what would happen.  You would find yourself “falling in love” all over again.  You would discover that in choosing love you actually begin to feel love.  You will find life and joy and rediscover the amazing blessing that your spouse is to you.  And you will find that things are good and just going to continue to get better.